The Universe Always Evens Itself Out

First, the highlight of yesterday. My classmate noticed that my jeans were fitting a little loose and asked if I had lost weight. Yay! It’s so great when that happens. Trust me, I’m doing this for me but it helps to know that all this hard work is starting to make a visible difference. Ok, now the low point of yesterday. A mere two hours later while walking down the stairs of the university’s building, I totally caught my heel on the last step. Valiantly I tried to get my other foot out in front of me only to have the heel of that shoe catch in a cement crack forcing my ankle to buckle out underneath me. Propelled by the enormous weight of my backpack and ample body, I ended up landing on my knees on hard concrete. Yep, that was my Moment of Shame; biting it big time in front of a few of my classmates. One step up and then a big fall down on the Self-Esteem Meter.

Touchy Feely

So here’s the weird new thing that I’ve started doing. When I’m home, especially after a good workout, I go to the gigantic mirror hanging in my living room and totally check myself out for changes. It usually involves lifting my shirt up and checking my stomach out, touching it and poking it and looking for differences. Repeat for arms, thighs, hips and butt. I kind of giggle because what would people think if they saw me doing this! There I am, petting, touching, rubbing and pinching my fat all by myself! You can’t easily explain something like that to people! They wouldn’t understand that I’m doing a highly scientific analysis of my body’s development; no, they’d just probably think I was a big old pervert!

Weigh To Go!

I jumped on the scale first thing this morning. I was so excited to read 168.2 (76.36)! That’s 10.7 pounds (4.55 kilos) lost! Like I said, I knew I had lost some weight but to have almost 11 pounds lost was just fantastic. I didn’t even need to dance around in the Shirt of Success; the Pajamas of Comfort were just fine for dancing. This is the first time in many months that I didn’t see a gain and I can’t express how satisfying that is. To jump off the scale feeling joy instead of guilt was wonderful. I don’t expect to ever lose this much in a one-month period of time again but it was just what I needed to make me feel like I can do this. I’ve been feeling great all day about this loss and I think that right now I’ll go reward myself with a nice hot bubble bath. My body deserves it.

Countdown

I’ve been putting off getting on to the scale because I tend to become obsessed with every little fluctuation of the scale’s readout. I get to the point where I’m weighing myself everyday and then soon things become hinged on those numbers and the scale can make or break my mood. I’m sure many of you can relate to the experience of feeling like you’re doing really good and then you get on the scale and are disappointed. I didn’t want to experience that so it’s actually been weeks now since I’ve weighed myself. Denise only ways herself once a month and when I first heard that, I thought that I could never go that long in between weigh-ins. Now though, I’m thinking this might be a good way for me to approach things. I think it will allow me to concentrate on being healthy and not obsessing with that little monster living on my bathroom floor. I’ve decided that I’ll weigh myself on Saturday, the 28th. I started my blog on December 28th and that will be a nice one-month mini anniversary. I know that I’ve lost some weight; my pants are starting to become more loose and then of course, there was the Shirt of Success. Now, it’s just a question of what the exact numbers will be. Hopefully to commemorate this day there will be a significant loss. Hmm, commemorate. I like that word. It sounds so significant, so milestone-ish, like there’s no turning back on this road to weight loss! What do you do to “commemorate” one month of fat busting? Dance around in loose jeans and the Shirt of Success?

Hair To Dye For

So I first just wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you for all your support and understanding. Thank you, joc, meg, donna, rete, and all of you readers for just being there. Sometimes losing weight is a process that is noticed by everyone around you but you still end up feeling very much alone. It’s amazing to find other people who understand all these crazy things. The past few entries have been a little long and heavy. That’s why I thought I’d write about something a little silly. Here’s what happened to me this past week: Like I have mentioned, I have a lot of long hair. About a year ago I was a blonde and decided to go back to brunette. I have been to three different hairdressers and because the difference in new growth and old dyed hair is so drastic, they have all had a hard time matching the colors. I always ended up having a different color on the crown of my head than what is on the ends of my hair. I figured that I’ve been spending a lot of money on my trips to the salons and have never been happy with the end results so I might as well give it a try myself. Right? Oh, I was so wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! I tried to dye the top of my hair a really light brown to match the ends of my hair. Well, I ended up strawberry blonde on the top, coppery brown in the middle and green-tinged dirty blonde on the bottom. It was horrible and it was ugly and yes, 70% of it was a shade of green! (I’m still trying to figure out how that even happened! I followed the directions!) Needless to say, it was not exactly the look that I wanted to be rocking. The situation would have been funny except for the fact that it was growing out of my head. I have to admit I did some freaking out. I did some “Oh no, what did I do to myself!?! How am I going to fix this?!?!” panicking before I realized that I could just dye the whole thing a really deep chocolate brown. Two bottles of “Mocha Splash” hair dye later and I have to say that my hair color came out very nicely. I’m actually more pleased with this end result than with anything any of the hairdressers did and even after having to fix my mistake it was still cheaper. Are you asking yourself, “What does all this have to do with weight loss and fat?” Well, I’ll tell you. Even in the middle of all this chaos, panic and freaking out, this crazy thought actually passed through my strange, fat-obsessed mind, “Well I guess for once, just once, nobody will notice the size of my ass. They’ll be too busy staring at my Technicolor hair.” Oh, I have such a one-track mind!

How Fat Is FAT?

When I read other blogs I’m always curious as to what the person looks like. It’s as if you get to know so much about them that your brain wants some kind of mental picture to put to the person. I always admire anyone who can put their picture out there but I am chicken shit when it comes to doing this myself. I’m a very, very shy person. Like I said in my profile, I am a classic introvert. If you were to meet me in “real life” you would find that I’m very quiet, calm and don’t talk a lot. In fact, I rarely speak and instead love to listen. People often confide in me things because they know that I am very private, I never pry and I always listen without judgment. I’m always the person that other people come to when they have problems and when I have problems myself, I generally hold it inside and work it out quietly in my mind. This little blogging adventure is the most different thing that I have ever done. Some of the things that I have discussed with you all are things that I have never mentioned out loud to anybody. There are things that I intend to discuss with you that I still haven’t got the courage up to write about yet, not because they’re that serious or shocking but because it’s very out of character for me to talk about any of this stuff to anyone. Like I said, I want you guys to know what I look like but I haven’t gotten up the nerve. For one thing, no one knows that I have this blog. I have one of those site meter things and I see that there is one reader who actually lives in the same city as me. I doubt that this person knows me but the idea of somebody recognizing me absolutely strikes me with terror to no end. I figure until I get the nerve up to show you pictures of me, I should tell you a little about myself. So here goes… I am about five foot six and I don’t carry my weight well. A five pound gain on me shows like ten. My weight seems to concentrate in my ass, thighs, hips and legs. I would call this my biggest problem area. (Which makes me laugh that my “problem area” is about 60% of myself. That’s a really big area!) My stomach is not that bad, there are fat rolls on it but it actually is the thinnest part of my body. It’s also the first place I gain and lose weight, which can make finding a pair of pants that fit hell. My arms, chest and face are another place where my fat likes to collect and hang out. I have brown eyes and a lot of long, thick brown hair, which I lie to myself and believe helps to thin my face out and balance out my gigantic ass. When I started this blog, I weighed 178.9 pounds (that’s 81.32 for my metric friends) and at one time Weight Watchers told me I should aim for a goal weight of 123 (55.91). That means I need to lose about 56 pounds. I don’t have any exact measurements but currently I am wearing a size 14 US pants that are starting to finally become loose (I think I may have actually been closer to a 16 but I refused to buy new clothes) and a large (depending on style) to extra large shirt size. Maybe some of you are thinking, “Hey, that’s not that fat! Losing 56 pounds is totally doable!” So I have to tell you that it’s not about the numbers. My frame just can’t hold a lot of weight. I often look like the heaviest girl in the room, regardless of poundage, just because I have a very short, stubby appearance. I have no muscle tone, I get easily winded on stairs, and clothes shopping is a cruel form of self-torture for me. I have always been a fat girl. Even when I was young and I now realize that I wasn’t really fat, I thought of myself as a fat girl and that has always been a part of me. A few years ago I was able to lose a lot of weight and this experience only served to really complicate things for me. (I will write a separate entry about this soon) I quickly gained back all that weight and have actually been worse for the wear since this experience. I always hate when thin girls whine, “Oh, I’m so fat!” When they clearly are not. So I can understand if maybe some of you are thinking that I should quit my bitching. When I hear someone thin saying they need to lose ten pounds it feels like an insult to me. So I can understand if there is anybody out there who feels offended that I’m struggling at such a doable weight loss goal. Please understand that for me, the physical weight may be 56 pounds but the emotional weight feels like a ton. This time, I’m looking to lose it all.

Excuse Me, Waiter? I Don't Think I Ordered The Plate Of Smug Know-It-All

Hi guys! Well, not only did I survive Friday night but I conquered it and made it my bitch. Yes, I am hardcore! I had told my family that I might not be able to make dinner because of a work thing but that I would definitely meet up with everybody afterwards. (Thanks for the suggestion, guys) Well, I woke up on Friday and was just feeling really good all day. I decided to try on a shirt that I had stopped wearing because it was too tight. I couldn’t believe that it actually fit again! It has a nice tailored look that makes my waist look smaller and my boobs look perky. You have to love a shirt like that! So I decided that I would go to the restaurant after all because I was feeling pretty confident. More importantly, I realized that this situation is going to come up eventually and that I should look at this as an opportunity to succeed and not as a chance to fail. We were eating at Cheese Cake Factory, which may be one of my all time favorite places so I knew I had my work cut out for me. As a reminder of my determination I wore my newly fitting shirt. That way when the voice that said, “Hey eat this Thai Chicken Pasta because you’re already fat anyways” showed up, I had on “The Shirt of Proof of My Ability To Do This”. Before I continue I have to say this, there are three things in life that should never be discussed: Politics, Religion, and Diets. If you think tyrannical governments and holy wars are dangerous then you have obviously never seen an Atkins fanatic criticize Weight Watchers in front of a Points counter. God help us all when that occurs. Before I get any E-mails Of Hate let me first say, I think both the Atkins diet and WW are great. Different strokes for different folks is what I always say and if something is helpful for a person than I’m all for it. I do not follow Atkins or WW (although I have done both in my lifetime). My biggest focus in eating has been on trying to be aware of portion size, keeping near 1200 calories, staying away from fried, processed, sugary crap ass foods and using herbs and spices instead of artificial flavors. I tend to eat mostly vegetables, salads, nuts and seeds, some dairy and boneless skinless chicken. I very, very rarely eat any red meat. When I eat fruit, I usually eat strawberries or blueberries. So in a way what I eat mostly resembles an Atkins diet but it’s only due to me noticing that a lot of carbohydrates wreaks havoc on my blood sugar, gives me mood swings and turns my PMS into PMS. Overall, I don’t do anything like what is often associated with Atkins (i.e. wrapping sticks of butter in bacon and deep frying them as a snack). Instead, I just love plates full of fresh green, antioxidant rich, leafy vegetables and grilled chicken. Breads and rice, while tasting good, tend to feel like big heavy weights in my stomach so I just don’t really eat them. Anyways, on Friday night I decided to order a hamburger, no bun and mustard only. I also asked for a side salad (no croutons) instead of fries. I felt like splurging on a big juicy hamburger patty and I figured no bun was a way to keep the calories down. When I ordered, the waiter looked me up and down, tilted his head, raised one eyebrow and said, “Really? That’s interesting. Do you watch your carbs?” In a way I do but not because I’m a carbaphobe; it’s just a way I’ve found to keep my energy levels balanced. Of course I didn’t say all this to him, I just looked up at him and meekly replied, “Umm, yes?” He instantly began to lecture me on how bad the Atkins diet is for you and that it does not work. He wanted me to know that as a professional fitness instructor, he knew for a fact that Atkins is horrible and that the only way to lose weight is to watch fat, calories and to regularly exercise, and yada, yada, yada. I half expected him to refuse to bring my dinner and instead force me to run wind sprints through the restaurant while he timed me. I have to say that I was quite confused. Why would you work in the Cheesecake Factory, a restaurant named for its ability to mass-produce fricking every flavor of cheesecake known to mankind, if you are a specialist in weight loss and healthy, balanced eating? Is it so he can pick on “misguided” fatties like myself? He had no idea how ordering that burger was a huge success for me and that I have been stressing out over that moment all this week. It's different when you guys offer me suggestions on this blog. I invite whatever information you have to offer and always appreciate it. I know that you experience many of the same feelings, temptations, and fears that I do and I am always looking for fat fighting tips from any knowledgeable source. Yet to face Mr. Smug Fitness Guy while I’m trying to resist diving face first into a plate of oily, pan-fried noodles just really stinks. You don’t know what bad eating is buddy! I’ve been known to tear up a meal like a ravaged animal, leaving teeth marks on my plate, so just back off because I don’t want your advice! Here I was all worried about the voices in my head and facing my family when I really should have been watching out for the waiter!

Fear Of Friday Becoming Fried Day

I have a whole bunch of relatives in town right now; they’ve all planned a big dinner for Friday night. I love my family and want to see them but I am reluctant to go on Friday for many reasons. The main reason is that I don’t trust myself in a restaurant. I know how to make healthy choices, I can tell you the calorie/carb/fat content of any food known to mankind. I am well versed in portion size. Yet no matter how prepared I am in a situation like this, there’s always a very good chance that when I get there all common sense will go out the window. I can’t tell you how many times in the past I have looked up the nutritional info for a restaurant, made my healthy choice, positive self-talked myself all the way there and then when faced with the menu ordered something absolutely horrible for me. Then, instead of doing damage control and eating just a little bit of the meal as a splurge, I get this attitude of “Oh well, I’ve blown it so I might as well eat” and I’ll eat anything that I can get my hands on. I’ve tried everything in the past to try to change this behavior. I’ve tried to fill up on water and healthy snacks before hand. I’ve tried to wear tight, uncomfortable clothes to make eating uncomfortable. I’ve tried to reason with myself, guilt myself or threaten myself but always failed at deterring myself from gorging to the point of discomfort. I think that the worst thing about an episode like this is that it turns into a week long binge of eating everything I see until after a few days I’m sick and ready to eat healthy. I never am able to say, “Well, yesterday I ate badly so today I’ll be extra good and get back on track.” One bad meal usually turns into days, weeks or sometimes months of crap ass eating. Here at home, I’m in a protective little cocoon. There’s lots of fresh, beautiful vegetables in my fridge, boneless skinless chicken breast in the freezer and almonds and diet soda in the pantry. These are my favorite healthy things to eat and I am happy to eat them as long as I don’t have unhealthy foods around me. Yet, restaurant food is both my lover and my nemesis all rolled up into a yummy little package on my plate. I love take out, drive-thru or sit down restaurant food to no end; it is my ultimate weakness. The other thing that bothers me is the fact that since I’ve seen my relatives I’ve gained about twenty pounds and that was on top of the twenty pounds I had gained from the time before that. If my math is correct, that means that it will be obvious to them that I’ve gained forty pounds within the last eight months. (Even sadder, that doesn’t count the pounds that I have lost and put back on, lost and then put back on again.) It’s not just about what they think, it bothers me to be aware of that kind of gain. Knowing that I’ve gained so much adds to my insecurity and when I’m insecure I look for comfort in food. I’m not quite sure about how to handle this. I’m stumped because I have all this awareness of the situation. I know my triggers, I’m in touch with my feelings and thoughts and I have the knowledge and information to fall back on but it’s not enough to help me make a difference. I can’t face temptation right now, I know I’m not psychologically ready for it and I need to pay attention to that and not push myself into a situation that I’m doomed to fail in. Yet it sounds so crazy to avoid family and other social situations because of The Fat. It even scares me because it shows me how deep my Food Issues run. Are you guys taking a step back in a “Whoa, she’s crazy, I’m glad I don’t have those kinds of issues” way? Or can you relate to these kinds of overwhelming feelings? I often wonder if “normal” size people have to worry about these things. My goal is to shed my physical weight but I’m also trying to get rid of the emotional and psychological weight, too. For me, that would be “normal”.

Lateness Is Not A Virtue

Well yesterday was back to school. I’m a graduate student and the first class of the new semester was last night. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to stop my horrible habit of being late; I don’t think I’ve ever been on time to anything. I managed to break this one right off the bat. I walked in the room about ten minutes after it started and was then faced with “The dreaded search for an open seat in a crowd of people”. You guys know what I’m talking about, right? You walk in the door, the teacher is already up there talking and everyone looks as your late ass walks in. Then you stand up there looking for an empty seat as everyone gets a good look at you. So of course the only open seat is at the front of the classroom at the end of a long row that is only accessible by squeezing my fat ass between the chairs of the eight people sitting in the front row and the table of the second row. It was a humbling moment, my friends. There I was in a heavy, too-tight coat, backpack on my shoulder, and purse in my hand trying to squeeze myself past these poor people. I could feel my ass grazing the table behind me as I tried not to whack anybody in the head with my bag, purse or ass. As expected, I can feel everyone watching me as I try to squeeze through. Tonight I’m going to get to class early and get a nice comfy seat in the back. Sometimes, it seems, if you can’t keep a resolution through sheer willpower then you can always rely on sheer embarrassment to keep you on track! . . . On a separate note, is anybody noticing trouble with my entries? I have the skill level of a trained monkey when it comes to working this blog and I noticed that when I logged on to my site at another computer that there were some problems. Mainly, html code in the middle of texts and missing text like what is typed under the dot,dot,dot thing (for example, the cleaning part of the last entry).

Houseworking It

Thank you guys so much for all the nice comments and support, I can’t tell you how much it helps to know that you’re there and that you’ve had similar experiences. I think the other night in the store mirror was my first big “I don’t think I can do this!” freak out. I’m sure there will be other moments like that (I think it just comes along with the journey) but I’m committed to doing this fat busting thing.

Many of you mentioned loving yourself on the inside. As silly as this sounds, I’ve never tried to do that when I diet. My dieting usually consists of beating myself up and putting myself down for being fat. Usually there is mean self-talk and restricting food and telling myself “You can stand to skip a meal, big girl.” Not very nice, huh? Why is it that I would never treat another human being as badly as I treat myself on an everyday basis?

I think that in the past I have always been afraid to accept and like myself at a heavy weight for fear that I would stop pushing myself to keep losing. Ironically, I think that’s why I’ve failed in the past because that kind of negativity doesn’t let the person inside develop. I realize now that I can’t expect great things out of myself if I don’t believe in myself. I said that this time would be different, this time I would be nice to me, so here’s to being my own best friend!

. . . So today I am sore! My arms, back and tummy are killing me. A fantastic workout you ask? Well, kind of, I cleaned my two bathrooms from top to bottom. I had to get down on hands and knees (hey now!) to scrub out the tubs. By the time I got around to scrubbing the shower floor, my arms were tired! I was in this weird, torturous position, too. If you need a good visual of the exact pose, just get down into the girl-pushup position, move your left arm in a clockwise direction while wiggling your ass. Uncomfortable, isn’t it? Well, I did that for about an hour total last night. I thought my arms were going to give out which cracked me up because I had this mental picture of someone finding me face down, ass in the air, with foaming suds stuck to my face and the scrub brush tangled in my hair. Oh the things I think about!

Mirror, Mirror

Last night I was feeling pretty good when I left the house. My jeans actually fit, instead of cutting into my stomach like normally. We went to some home furnishing stores and then I saw the mirrors. I looked so fat and uncomfortable. One moment you can feel so powerful and happy and then the next you can feel so insecure and discouraged. I was wearing really cute shoes and I had taken time with my makeup because I have been feeling so good about myself. Yet in the store mirror all I saw was fat. I hate that I don’t look like what I feel like. I think that I am changing on the inside and the outside is going to take longer to reflect that. If I can stay patient and positive then maybe these two things will eventually resemble each other.

Tagged!

The beautiful alea has tagged me! I feel like a real blogger now. So here goes:

Four TV shows I love to watch: 24 (My favorite!) Survivor The Amazing Race Everybody Loves Raymond

Four places I’ve been on vacation: Tennessee Florida New Orleans Mexico Four of my favorite foods: Pad Thai All things chocolate French fries The entire Taco Bell menu

(This list could go on and on!) Four places I’d rather be right now: On a cruise Europe Australia Johnny Depp’s lap

Four sites I visit daily: Actually, I read ten blogs regularly and I visit them daily. Yes, I am a lurker. Yes, I’m working on changing that.

Four bloggers I am tagging: I have to say that I’m not quite sure who is reading (maybe there is less than four of you), are there any volunteers?

Fast Food Friends

I am a fast food junkie. If McDonald’s had a Christmas card list then I would definitely be on it. I am also a creature of habit. Sometimes I get a craving for something and I can often eat the same thing for days in a row until I move on to the next craving. Before reforming my eating ways I used to stop at the Burger King almost everyday after work. Pretty much every Monday through Friday at 5:30 my happy ass was in line at the BK, home of the Whopper. My favorite thing to order was their Cherry Icee. After many months of being a faithful customer, the crew began to recognize me. The lady who operated the window took a particular liking to me. Every time I drove through she would always say, “Oh, mija! Como estas? ¿Necessitas servilletas?” (Oh, my child! How are you? Do you need napkins?) She used to split her shift between two BK’s and when I switched jobs I found that she was also working at the location near my new job.

On some days the BK lady would see me twice. If I wasn’t visiting BK on my lunch break I was hitting up McDonalds. That lady also began to recognize me. (Yes I realize how “fat girl” that sounds!)

So one day I went to pick up lunch with my friend. I wanted Burger King and she wanted McDonalds so we decided to drive-thru both. At the BK the lady who knows me was working. So of course I got, “Hola mija! Quieres una Icee?” (Hello my child! Do you want an Icee?). So my friend says, “Oh does she know you?” and I tell her, “I’ve gotten to know her because she sees me in the drive-thru a lot.” So then we went through the McDonalds and of course that lady says, “Oh, sweetie! How’s your day going? Here’s your food, I’ll see you later!” My friend looks at me amazed and says, “Let me guess, she knows you because she sees you in the drive-thru a lot!”

That day still makes me laugh a little now just because it is a silly situation BUT I’m glad that I don’t eat like that anymore. I have stopped eating at fast food places for many reasons: it costs a small fortune, I am afraid of a moment of weakness at the ordering window and because I can definitely make fresher, healthier choices at home. More than anything though, who wants to be known for eating crap food everyday? I'd rather have more interesting qualities.

(By the way, I do have to wonder if my drive-thru buddies are missing me and wondering where I am. I’m such a dork; I get sentimental about the strangest things!)

... Also, thank you to rete for her information in the comments of the 'splitting hairs' post. D-DD boobs can weigh about 25-30 pounds! Wow, that's amazing! I am a full C and I was estimating 5-6 pounds for both, I was weigh off. (Sorry for the pun, I couldn't resist!)

Splitting Hairs

I’m avoiding the scale this week. I’ve been doing so well with the food, the water and the exercise and I am scared that if I jump on there and see no change (or worse yet a small gain) I’ll be disappointed. Whenever I first start working out I always see a small gain. I know this, I accept this but I still feel discouraged by it so I’m just going to avoid seeing it altogether. I think I’ll give it another week before facing the numbers.

Do you guys have a “routine” or “tradition” when it comes to weighing in? I’m very ritualistic about weighing in. I always do it early in the morning when I’m wearing a pair of pajama shorts and tank top (as little clothes as possible!). I will not weigh myself if I’ve just taken a shower because I have a ton of long hair that holds water and I often wonder how much does that water add. I also often wonder how much my boobs weigh. I have some rather generous boobs. I’ve often had this crazy desire to plop them one at a time onto the scale and then subtract that from my weight total just to see how much they add. The only thing that stops me from doing this is knowing that it would officially move me from “She’s so crazy in a zany, quirky way” to “She’s so crazy in a straitjacket, no sharp objects way”. I think this is just some really silly thinking. As if I’d go around telling people, “Hey I’m fat but a lot of it is just boobs and hair.”

Going Camping? Here Take My Dress

So I'm watching a show that I happened to flip to while channel surfing. It's on the Discovery Health channel and it's called "I Lost It!" This woman is talking about her struggles with weight and the narrator is saying things like, "She weighed in at a hefty 190 pounds" and "She was able to shed her tent-like size 14 dresses". Tent-like? Isn't that a little extreme to compare a size 14 dress to a fabric structure that can accomodate four or more sleeping adults? Or am I just fat and think that 14 is not that bad. Here's this website that says that the average American woman wears a size 14 or larger but the show makes it sound like she was outrageously fat, like the kind of fat where they have to lift you with a crane to transport you to a hospital fat. I don't know, I just had to write a little something about this because it kind of freaked me out.

Steely Dan

I’m feeling really good this week and I think I’m ready to start a little light exercise! The keyword here is “light”. Right now I break a sweat folding laundry so I plan to take it easy on my body to begin with. I own an elliptical machine that I have not used for many months/cakes/pizzas/vats of butter ago. So I’m trying to get myself all pumped up to commit to some kind of exercise routine. I was thinking of doing thirty minutes everyday after work on the elliptical machine for the first week and then take it from there depending on how I feel. I also think that I would be more inspired to work out if my elliptical machine had a sexy, manly name. I was considering something like Steely Dan. It certainly would make for some interesting phone conversations with friends.

[phone rings]

Me: [out of breath] Hello?

Friend: Hey, it’s me. Do you want to come over and hang out?

Me: [still out of breath] Sure but I need to take a shower first; I’m all hot and sweaty.

Friend: [interested] Really? So what have you been doing?

Me: [coyly] Well, I just spent the afternoon with Steely Dan.

Friend: [very interested] Really??

Me: Yes, and I worked up a real sweat, my legs are shaking so that I can barely walk and I think I’m a little dehydrated.

Friend: [impressed] Really???

Yep, Steely Dan. Maybe that’s enough to motivate me to get off the couch right now, knowing that the big fella is in there waiting for me.

Table For One

So today I decided that whenever I ate meals or snacks I would take the time to sit down and concentrate on enjoying my meal. I think that this will help me to be more aware of when I am full. I had the house to myself today and so I made breakfast, shut the tv off, and sat at the dining room table. I actually set up a place setting for myself, poured myself a glass of water and sat down formal style. It seemed so strange to be aware of nothing but the smell and texture of my food. I concentrated on taking nice size bites, chewing and swallowing before moving on to the next bite, taking awareness of what was in my mouth. Sorry guys, is this sounding a little erotic? As silly as it seems, it's just that I've never taken that kind of time with a simple meal like this before. I actually felt like eating took up a long time and when I got up from the table I felt satisfied! Can I say that beautiful sentence again? I felt Satisfied! When there's nothing else to distract your attention, you find yourself focusing on just enjoying the eating. I know that I've heard/read this diet recommendation many times before but this is the first time I actually stopped to do it. It only goes to prove that sometimes we think we know all there is to know about losing weight but how many times do we stop and ask ourselves how much of that information are we putting to use? Now I can guarantee that there will be somedays where I will still be hungry, I will still want just one more bite, but if at least some of my meals can be as enjoyable as the three I had today, then I can do this.

Lend Me Some Sugar, I Am Your Neighbor

Thanks to everyone here in fatblogtown who have welcomed me to the neighborhood! I appreciate all my good neighbors out there who came to visit and say hello. It feels good to know I am not alone when it comes to losing the weight. I promise to be a good neighbor to you all. I’ll take my lights down after Christmas, bring my trashcans in after garbage day, no loud parties, update regularly, and if my dog poops in your yard, I’ll totally clean it up. Also, if you ever need to borrow some sugar, know that I’ll always have a cup of non-caloric, non-carb sweetener just for you. I’ll also make sure I pop by to visit you because that’s what good neighbors do!

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So both Denise and Silverella made some good points in their comments. Learning portion control really requires learning how to eat altogether. My eating habits right now really are atrocious and I know that I need to work on them. Years of working crazy hours, going to school full time and yo-yo dieting have left me with some bad habits. I often eat standing up. I usually eat meals quickly, while working/surfing the net/talking on the phone/driving (Not all at the same time). If I’m not performing this juggling act then I’m sitting on the couch mindlessly flipping channels/stuffing my mouth. Either way, I’m not focusing on my food and my level of fullness. Tomorrow I’m going to try and change this. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Half Full Or Half Empty? Both Suck!

I've been doing really great on my eating lately. Making the right choice in foods has not been difficult. Instead it is my old nemesis, portion size, that I am battling. I was eating a really healthy meal yesterday. I was pretty proud of myself because I was enjoying it and not feeling like I was sacrificing taste for healthier food. Yet I got halfway through my meal, looked down at my plate and had the sudden panicky feeling that my food was half gone and I was still ravenously hungry. Let's analyze this. There are times when I’m hungry after I’ve eaten and this has lead to some weird irrational fear of being hungry and unsatisfied after a meal. Talk about a weird phobia! They could probably book me on Dr. Phil for that kind of shit. This fear (halffullstomachaphobia?) leads to a tendency to over-order at restaurants and put too much food on my plate when I serve myself. I always clean my plate when I eat instead of paying attention to when I’m full; I just eat until there’s no more. So last night I finished my meal and of course I was still hungry. Not starving, shaky, “Hey I’m going to fall down!” hunger but “Boy I sure wish I wasn’t in public because I would love to lick my plate” hunger. Is this the feeling of “pleasantly full” that I keep hearing about? If so, it’s not as satisfying as the term “pleasantly full” would lead you to believe! In the past I have usually aimed for “sickeningly stuffed” but last night I avoided that. After I ate my meal I didn’t hunt around for something else to munch on. Maybe one day I’ll get to a point where eating is something that I do to keep my body healthy and running, not a hobby. Last night was a good starting point.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I tend to have a real extreme way of thinking when it comes to food. For me, there are really only two types of foods: "good", healthy food that is permitted for me to eat or "bad", naughty, taboo, don't even think about putting that in your mouth kind of food. While I admit that the whole food nazi approach is a little extreme, it's just easier for me when I start back on a program. It's comforting and reassuring to have rules when I start out; it gives me a feeling like, "Hey, I can do this." The first few days are always the hardest. Avoiding the "bad" foods is a lot like going through a bad break up. It's like having an ex-boyfriend that you know is bad for you but feels so good. Seriously, I'll be sitting at work and my leftover chinese food in the fridge just calls me. [phone rings] Me: Hello? Leftovers: Hey, it's me. Me: I told you, don't bother me at work! Besides, you know what I said, it's over! Leftovers: Ah baby, you don't mean that. Come on, why don't you tell your boss you're sick and come spend the afternoon with me? Me: No! Look, what we had was good but not good for me. I'm sorry, I just need to move on now. Leftovers: Oh please, you need me! You can't tell me that you're satisfied with that salad you've been running around with. You need hot and spicy, not a cold vegetable! Me: Hey! Salad is good, salad is dependable! I trust salad! [sigh] Look, maybe one day in the future we can be friends but right now this is just something I have to do. [click.] What's a girl to do? At least it's not the dirty rice calling again, he's such a pervert!

Bottomless Pit

This last week has been a kind of free for all with the eating. We've had family in town, dinners with friends and a ton of junk food in our house. Sometimes I am amazed by how much I can eat and I never have this feeling of "ok, I'm ready to stop doing this to myself." No matter how full I am and how much I've eaten in a day, I still get excited at the thought of eating something. I'm always wondering what is my next meal, what am I craving? That feeling doesn't ever go away. I've been making the excuse to myself that I'll start at the New Year and that this last week is a last hurrah. I'm going to force myself to start because if I waited around until I wanted to start, I'd probably keep on eating like this. So this is the beginning. The biggest hurdle I have always faced in the past is that I have trouble keeping both my eating and exercising on track. If I'm doing good with eating, I slack off on working out. If I get regular with the exercise, I have trouble monitoring my eating. At times it feels almost like I don't have enough mental energy to stay on top of everything in my life that needs to be done and to be on top of the two hardest things for me to do, eat healthy and exercise regularly. So I've decided to start by eating healthy and getting on top of that. For me this is the hardest thing to do. I tend to eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, frustrated... I tend to mark any kind of significant event with food. So I'm going to work on eating when I'm hungry and not in reaction to some kind of emotional state. Whenever I get into a pattern of eating healthy, I often feel better and more ambitious. When I feel like I'm in the zone, then I'll start doing some light exercise. In the past I have pushed myself with exercising too much and eating too little and that often results in me burning out quickly and not being able to stick to a routine. So my goal this year is to be balanced. In the last post I talked about being nicer to me. This idea of being balanced fits in with this. I won't beat myself up because I'm not losing huge amounts of weight every week. I won't feel unecessarily guilty because I missed a work out. In the past, getting down on myself because of these things often resulted in me giving up and feeling like things were just impossible. I don't know if adopting this type of attitude will make losing weight a slower process but I do think it will make it something more achieveable. We will just have to wait and see I guess...