Weigh To Go! Part 12 ( One Year Later)

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 132.2 Pre-Christmas Eating Weigh-In: 127.2 Today’s Weigh-In: 133.0 Ok, I’m reporting those numbers but I absolutely refuse to believe them. That’s actually the first time I posted a gain but I’m pretty sure that today’s particular number has more to do with left over holiday bloat than actual fat gained back. If that weigh in was accurate then it means that I would have gained six pounds from Christmas eating (I was only 127.2 about four days ago). According to my food journal and the whole 3500 extra calories not burned off equals a pound theory, then I should only have put on less than 2 pounds. Crap. So today is the one year anniversary of From Lynne To Lean and while I was a few shy of my goal weight, I have to say that I am pretty surprised by what I accomplished this year. I remember this day a year ago. I was uncomfortable from all the Christmas eating I had done, unhappy with my weight and feeling like it was near impossible to ever get it off. I wanted to get back to where I am now so much but I don’t think I really believed it to be within my reach. I don’t think at the time I realized just how much keeping this blog could make a difference. I just wanted to make sure I said to you all who have been here throughout the year, thank you so much! You guys really are the best and I mean that from the bottom of my heart!

Happy Holidays And Seasons Eatings

Hey everybody! So are you surviving the holidays so far? I did good until late night Christmas Eve eve where I had a few too many cookies; nothing too bad but not exactly on target. Then I woke up on Christmas Eve and it just broke loose from there. Sunday, Christmas day, and yesterday were just a blur of chocolate goodies, huge meals, and constant snacking. It’s been insane. So today I’m back on track and not a moment too soon, either. I can’t stand feeling so bloated and sick from constant eating. It seems that my body is now so sensitive to anything that’s really sugary, processed or oversized in portion and I notice that eating like this absolutely kills my energy levels, makes me feel sick and interrupts my sleep. It’s funny though because last night I thought to myself, “I’m so glad I’m back to normal tomorrow. I don’t want to eat anymore of this junk because I feel like crap.” I even figured it would be almost easy because none of that stuff seemed even appealing anymore, I was so sick and full. But come this morning, my binge-y appetite was still here and it’s hungry. The hardest thing about getting back into the zone is getting started! I can create a habit of normal eating for months and then a day or two of bad eating awakens all my old bad tendencies. I kind of feel like I have a monster within and it lays dormant but never actually goes away. He’s always waiting there, hoping that I’m going to slip up so he can take over and go back to his overeating ways. Normally when I see food or snacks I instantly think to myself, “Do I want that? Am I hungry or am I bored? Is this a good choice or are there better options for me to eat?” and then I make a decision based on the answers to those questions. But when I go off like this just eating whatever I feel like, I notice that I just mindlessly eat. If it’s there I’ll put it in my mouth, regardless if I’m hungry or not. And even if I only do this for a few days, I have to break this habit all over again. Already this morning I’ve caught myself wanting to just dig into the candy bowl without thinking. I see something and I want to eat it just to eat it and it is absolutely exhausting not to just dive into a full on binge. There’s this little voice in the back of my mind saying, “Go ahead and just eat it all, there’s always tomorrow. You can start fresh then.” But I know that tomorrow turns into next week and next week becomes months and months. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been down that road before. It scares me because when that happens I don’t gain a few pounds back, I have always gained all of it back. I have to say that it’s very weird to be afraid of yourself and really that’s the best way I can describe it. I’m actually afraid of the part of me that feels like it would undo all my hard work; I know there’s a part of me that’s capable of that and I know that it will always be sitting there ready to rear it’s head at the first sign of weakness. It totally sucks right now. So tomorrow is weigh day. I’m sure I did a lot of damage over the holiday weekend so I weighed myself on the 23rd just to see where I was at. 127.2 pounds and only two pounds away from my goal weight. I had wanted to hit goal before 2007 and I actually almost made it. Crap, you would have thought those numbers would have been enough to keep me eating within reason but I guess it didn’t work out that way.

Sick In The Head

So there’s never a good time to get sick but some times are worse than others! I have so much to do and of course that’s when my body gets invaded by the germies! I was home from work yesterday with a pretty bad head cold. I’ve been fighting it for about a week but yesterday I knew I needed to take some time off to rest or it was going to get really ugly. So I slept, woke up and ate chocolate, slept some more, had more chocolate, snoozed in bed and then got up and had a hot bubble bath because the chocolate started calling my name again. I swear, my husband’s family probably think I’m a clean freak considering how often I end up soaking in the tub. They don’t know I’m avoiding food, they think I’m just really into hot baths! So I’m back at work this morning which even though it was hard to muster the strength to get up and go, is better for me than laying around and feeding my cold with chocolate bars. Last night when my sister in law came home she brought with her two pumpkin rolls, a loaf of banana nut bread, homemade fudge, snickerdoodles, and apricot sugar cookies. This, folks, is what I’m up against and when I say that they eat almost non-stop, I’m not exaggerating. It probably has to do with the fact that I have a cold so I feel worn down but I actually felt like crying. I started to get this woe is me attitude as I watched them all dig in and enjoy. My husband’s mother probably weighs 100 pounds soaking wet and she eats like that all the time. Sometimes you see thin people and they don’t eat that much and you think to yourself, “well that’s why they’re so thin.” But every once in awhile you meet one of those naturally thin people who eat constantly and never have to think about what they eat and that really just freaks you out. It just doesn’t seem fair, does it? It was about that time that I headed for the bathtub and my favorite Jane Austen book. I needed something to distract me because I get angry with myself for getting so worked up over food. I mean, I’m happy, healthy, and blessed with a life and family that I feel grateful for everyday and I want to shed tears over a couple of cookies? I think there are a lot of people in this world who wish their problems were as simple as mine. I have to shake myself out of that kind of thinking and remember to put things in perspective because if I don’t then I get depressed, and then I get discouraged and then I say screw it, and I end up inhaling crap ass food that in the end doesn’t make me feel any better and actually makes me feel even worse in the long run. I just keep focusing on the fact that I’m actually doing good even though things feel crazy. I have not gone over my target calories food-wise. Yes, I have been eating really crappy food but at least I can say that I enjoyed some of the holiday treats that only come around once a year and I did it without abandoning my plan. I even managed to clock in a few miles over the weekend so exercise isn’t completely non-existent. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m on track so far, I have a plan and it’s working and most of all I need to remember that I am more than capable of doing this. Maybe that’s the problem, I still don’t trust in myself completely and I keep looking for me to blow it. I have to change that outlook and believe that I have the ability to totally do this!

And So It Continues…

I am surviving. Barely. The past few days I have eaten nothing but junk. I stayed within my calorie range too, which means that I didn’t eat the kind of things I should eat and instead splurged on things like white chocolate covered popcorn (yum!) and Loft house cookies (those suckers are addictive) instead of having actual meals. Yesterday morning I had half a chocolate bar for breakfast. That’s not healthy. I’m surprised I haven’t succumbed to a sugar overdose. Seriously, I just got a paper cut right now and I think frosting came out. This is really, really difficult guys. It seems like my husband’s family are constantly in the kitchen eating something, too. I don’t think I’ve ever seen people continuously graze like this, from first thing in the morning until well after midnight. Cake, pie, chocolates, pizza; the list goes on and on. I’ve had to resort to things like locking myself in my bedroom and folding laundry. Or like yesterday morning when I used the candy bar high to fuel a scrubbing down of my entire bathroom. I also have started taking long bubble baths with a good book, anything to avoid being in the kitchen with all that crap. I figure if all else fails, I can just go find a corner, curl up into the fetal position, and whimper my way through this madness. Please, cross your fingers for me!

And So It Begins…

My husband’s family is staying with us for the next few weeks. When I got home last night they were all sitting around eating KFC. A few hours later they made a run to the closest Star buck. Already there are bars of chocolate and candy in the pantry, ice cream in the freezer, and fast food leftovers in the fridge. Help! They eat like this on a regular basis and even if it wasn’t their normal way of eating I couldn’t say anything because I can’t impose my weird food issues on others. They can control themselves around crap food, I can’t, and everyone can’t suffer because of my lack of willpower. On top of it all, my exercise room is now being used as a guest bedroom so I don’t know when I’ll be able to get in there and use Steely Dan. Between the colder weather and the days getting dark early, I can’t go running anymore so he’s been my usual means of working out. We’ll see how I can swing things because I know that I need to get exercise in right now more than ever.

A Great Holiday Workout

I stumbled across a great way to get a workout without meaning to: Christmas Decorating. You start by insisting on buying a ten foot tree (because you’re ambitious and full of the Christmas spirit) and then help your husband get the sucker off the top of the car and into the house. Your arms will get that awesome burning sensation as you feebly try to hold the tree up as your husband unties the forty knots that lassoed it to the roof of your SUV. Then you get to do some hardcore squats as you continue to hold up your end as you and the husband drag the tree up the front walkway and into the house. (If your husband really loves you, he’ll remember to unlock the door before you guys reach that front step and then you won’t have to continue holding up your end as he fumbles for the keys.) Next of course is getting that big beautiful tree into the tree stand and more specifically, getting that big beautiful tree into the tree stand straight. There’s nothing like minute upon minute of balancing that tree as your husband tries to screw the stand into the trunk. Don’t worry, the fear of dropping that tree on top of yourself, your coffee table and your curious puppy dog (who has now placed himself underfoot) is enough to get you through the muscle cramps! Next order of business is stringing the tree with lights. So many lights actually, that you’re afraid it may have an effect on your power bill. This of course is where you bust out the ladder because after all, you did insist on having a ten foot tree. Don’t fall off the ladder! Just contract every muscle in your body to hold your balance as you try to drape the lights perfectly. Get down and make sure that you’re happy with the distribution and then climb back up and adjust as necessary. Repeat this like forty or fifty times. Once all the lights are on, do this same procedure for the ribbon and all the ornaments. Now that the tree is done, you have to of course move on to the rest of the house. And of course your favorite decoration is the lighted garland that is strung above the kitchen cabinets, the ten foot tall entertainment center, and the entrance to your master bedroom. And yes, you will have to keep that ladder out to do this. Once you have gotten all the garland up (ignore the fact that your legs feel like rubber) embellish the garland. I mean, any true home decorating goddess wouldn’t simply settle for the store bought garland. No, you have to accent it with poinsettias and stems of holly berries. Yes, you have to accent all the garland (again, you’re ambitious and full of the Christmas spirit, right?) After about four hours you’ll be finished so sit back and admire your work. Take aspirin for the pain. You have to begin recovering as soon as possible because the whole thing will be repeated in reverse in a few weeks when all the decorations have to come down.

A Post For Donna

Hey thanks for the advice guys, and I think I am going to go the gift card route for some people this year. In particular, Star bucks, because I seem to have friends who are fancy coffee junkies. Oh, and yes Donna, my mall does have corn dogs! It’s from the famous “On a stick” place and they are so good! They’re what a lot of my childhood memories are made of. My mom used to haul my sister and I around the mall when we were really little. We just absolutely hated being dragged around from department store to department store, dressing room to dressing room, as my mother scoured high and low over what seemed like every clothing rack the stores had to offer. At the time it felt like hour after miserable hour that my sister and I would wait patiently, knowing that when it was all over, we’d pay a visit to those silly-hatted, lemonade churning girls and it would all be worth it. To this day, whenever I’m in a mall there’s always this chance that I’ll revert back to a six-year kid who can only be appeased by a corn dog and fresh lemonade! So yep, Donna, there are most definitely corn dogs and their siren call reaches as far as their deep-fried honey batter smell! And speaking of the lovely Donna, here’s a link to her Christmas project, check it out if you haven’t already. I can never say enough things about that lady but she really does have a heart of gold. (And kitties that you just can’t get enough of!)

Still Here

Hey all! How are you guys doing? I’m fine, still over here plugging away. Trying not to die in a sea of homework, papers, practicum and finals. But next week is the last week of the semester and then it’s four weeks off! Woo hoo! Then I can finally get around to my Christmas shopping. I’ve been kind of stressed out about that. There are a few people that I have no idea what to get for them, and I’m sure I’ll be wandering the stores in a panic trying to find that perfect gift. I think anytime you have to buy for someone who you know well enough to buy a gift for but still not well enough to be exactly sure of what they’d like, you end up in this dilemma. For example, I’m having this difficulty buying for a girl that I got for Secret Santa at work. It’s hard because she’s one of “the girls” (there are 5 of us) so I know her but I don’t really know her outside of our little group lunches that we go on every month or so. I’m not quite sure what she would like or what I should buy her so, I’ll have to work on that. I also have two friends from school that I’m buying a gift for the first time. These girls I know pretty well but I’m not sure what to get them yet. I’ll have to think back to what I know about them and what they like so that I have an idea what I’m doing for them. And I have to do that before Tuesday because that’s probably the last time I’ll see them before Christmas. Ok, sorry for making you read my boring, random thoughts that pretty much have organized themselves as a rambling to do list. Just think of me as I’m trying to get this all done and wish me luck that I figure out the perfect gifts for everyone on my list before I hit the mall. Because if I’m not extra prepared then I’ll probably find myself wandering the food court, cinnabon in one hand and corn dog in the other, having caved from all the holiday stress.

So Explain To Me Again, When Exactly Does This Get Easy?

Goals, hmm. The lovely jeni asked about how close I was to reaching goal. To which I say good question! I don’t know now! A few months ago I had said 125 would be my goal, it was a number that WW had set for me when I tried that program many years ago, so that sounded about right. But I honestly would be happy at any number if my body looked and felt like it was at goal. I just want to feel comfortable and in tune with my body and that feeling doesn’t come from a scale. Yet as much as I don’t really think that a number can signify that achievement, I love, love, love milestones and markers. I am one of those people who loves birthdays and anniversaries and making a big deal about special occurrences or significant occasions. I mean for goodness sakes’, I’m having a party for my pup’s first birthday on Sunday; I’ll find any excuse to make a day “special”. So I need to be able to reach some kind of point where I celebrate having finished at least one part of this never-ending journey. I need a day where I can make a big hoopla over myself and get all egocentric about my victory over the fat monster. There’s also another big thing that’s interfering with defining my goals and it has been slowly creeping in over the last month or so. Mainly, I’m not quite sure how much my body can be improved given what it’s been through. I can see the toll that being in various stages of weight loss/ weight gain throughout my life has taken on my body and I know there’s a limit to what the end result of all this is going to be. The thing I want to avoid most is having unrealistic expectations (it’s what screwed me the last time around) so I might just have to come to terms with accepting myself and my body as is. I don’t know, sometimes this journey is almost easier when you’re far away from goal because you can pretend that there’s some kind of perfect, ideal reward at the end for all your hard work. As I get closer, that is turning out to not be the case. Which yeah, duh! We all know there’s never an end to this but it’s still easier when you can pretend that this journey is finite at some point. So here I am sitting seven pounds away from my scale goal and I have no idea what I want, anticipate, or accept. Ahhh, I guess it’s time for a little soul searching and some reflection.