Happy Holidays And Seasons Eatings

Hey everybody! So are you surviving the holidays so far? I did good until late night Christmas Eve eve where I had a few too many cookies; nothing too bad but not exactly on target. Then I woke up on Christmas Eve and it just broke loose from there. Sunday, Christmas day, and yesterday were just a blur of chocolate goodies, huge meals, and constant snacking. It’s been insane. So today I’m back on track and not a moment too soon, either. I can’t stand feeling so bloated and sick from constant eating. It seems that my body is now so sensitive to anything that’s really sugary, processed or oversized in portion and I notice that eating like this absolutely kills my energy levels, makes me feel sick and interrupts my sleep. It’s funny though because last night I thought to myself, “I’m so glad I’m back to normal tomorrow. I don’t want to eat anymore of this junk because I feel like crap.” I even figured it would be almost easy because none of that stuff seemed even appealing anymore, I was so sick and full. But come this morning, my binge-y appetite was still here and it’s hungry. The hardest thing about getting back into the zone is getting started! I can create a habit of normal eating for months and then a day or two of bad eating awakens all my old bad tendencies. I kind of feel like I have a monster within and it lays dormant but never actually goes away. He’s always waiting there, hoping that I’m going to slip up so he can take over and go back to his overeating ways. Normally when I see food or snacks I instantly think to myself, “Do I want that? Am I hungry or am I bored? Is this a good choice or are there better options for me to eat?” and then I make a decision based on the answers to those questions. But when I go off like this just eating whatever I feel like, I notice that I just mindlessly eat. If it’s there I’ll put it in my mouth, regardless if I’m hungry or not. And even if I only do this for a few days, I have to break this habit all over again. Already this morning I’ve caught myself wanting to just dig into the candy bowl without thinking. I see something and I want to eat it just to eat it and it is absolutely exhausting not to just dive into a full on binge. There’s this little voice in the back of my mind saying, “Go ahead and just eat it all, there’s always tomorrow. You can start fresh then.” But I know that tomorrow turns into next week and next week becomes months and months. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been down that road before. It scares me because when that happens I don’t gain a few pounds back, I have always gained all of it back. I have to say that it’s very weird to be afraid of yourself and really that’s the best way I can describe it. I’m actually afraid of the part of me that feels like it would undo all my hard work; I know there’s a part of me that’s capable of that and I know that it will always be sitting there ready to rear it’s head at the first sign of weakness. It totally sucks right now. So tomorrow is weigh day. I’m sure I did a lot of damage over the holiday weekend so I weighed myself on the 23rd just to see where I was at. 127.2 pounds and only two pounds away from my goal weight. I had wanted to hit goal before 2007 and I actually almost made it. Crap, you would have thought those numbers would have been enough to keep me eating within reason but I guess it didn’t work out that way.