Yet Another Post Where I Toot My Own Horn

So I didn’t even get to tell you all about my camping trip! As I mentioned in my earlier post, I did awesome. Seriously, I’m the shit! Friday night before we left I had asked my husband to buy food for the trip (snacks for him and healthy things for me) and effectively avoided the opportunity of ravaging the grocery store like a feral animal. I knew that I just had to avoid the store altogether because things would have just gone downhill from there. (Especially because I was still dealing with all those crazy cravings. Thankfully, those have subsided this week!) He was sweet enough to bring snacks that he knew wouldn’t present much of a temptation to me and this way he wouldn’t be deprived of all the goodies that he loves to munch on. So that took care of the craziness that usually grabs a hold of me when I’m on vacation. Because really, it’s the car rides that always get me. In fact, once we got there I had a hard time eating enough calories to meet my target. We spent the days out hiking or sight seeing starting early in the morning all the way until sundown and most of the time I was just thinking, “Water!” and felt too tired and hot to eat. I also have to tell you guys, I think I might possibly be in the best shape I’ve ever been in. Not only did I manage to do all the hiking and walks that I wanted but I enjoyed every minute of it. I haven’t been camping in years and years and so it was amazing to really get an idea of how much I’ve changed in attitude towards things like physical activity. I know on previous trips where we went hiking on some trail I was always thinking, “I’m so tired, how much further?” This time I just enjoyed the feeling of being outdoors, of my body doing exactly what I asked of it and not fighting me the whole way. It was just amazing, you guys! I think I’ve also gotten used to the idea of sweating. I know in the past I’ve been very prissy and hated to sweat, even while camping! Now on a hike I don’t think it’s challenging enough unless I’m drenched. I’m just amazed at how I’m still the same person, I’m still me at the core, but I’m discovering all kinds of things about myself that I didn’t know existed under the surface. It’s just fantastic to think about what kinds of things I’m really capable of.

Weigh To Go! Part 8

December’s Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 145.2 Today’s Weigh-In: 142.2 Ok, that’s 3 pounds down this month. I’m happy that I’m losing but I can’t help but feel a bit of frustration because it seems like it is taking forever to move this fat! On a post back in the beginning of June I was talking about my expectation of hitting the low forties then. Now almost three months later I’m finally here. I guess I didn’t think it would take this long. And I really kicked some butt this month, too! I fought off the cravings monster like a champ. I started running (which I’m still enjoying). I actually went camping and stayed on target where as in the past I’d have eaten enough s’mores to put me into a sugar coma. Basically I had a month that I can be really proud of, that I can say that I gave a fantastic effort to, but with only a small return. So that’s why I’m being all pissy about the three pounds. All my clothing fits the same, my body doesn’t look much different and it’s leading to impatience. But here’s what I’m thinking, I’m losing around a half a pound a week, which is still a good steady loss. In the past I’ve never lost weight slowly and steadily. I’ve never done this the “healthy” way by eating balanced, nutritious meals, by drinking lots of water, by taking vitamins and by doing regular exercise. I’ve always gone on crazy crash diets that involved deprivation and overly restrictive behavior. I’ve always expected weight loss to be hell; to be painful but quick. So this experience is all new for me. I guess this is what real change is like; I may be going slow but I’m building new behaviors on a rock foundation and leaving the slippery slopes of crash dieting behind me. So I’m now at 36.7 pounds gone and about 17 more to go. Either way I’m committed, no matter how much longer it takes!

You Shouldn't Buy Trail Mix Just To Eat The M&M’s

So tomorrow afternoon the husband, pup and I are leaving for a weekend camping trip; I’m very excited (and just a little bit nervous.) Nervous because see this can pretty much go two ways. Scenario one: We’ll stop at the grocery store on our way up and I’ll buy all kinds of fruits and veggies and healthy stuff for grilling and snacking. Combine that with a lot of beautiful scenic hiking and this weekend could shape up to be a cleverly-disguised-as-fun chance to burn some fat. Scenario two goes a little more like this: We stop at the grocery store and I lose my ever-loving mind and when the haze clears I find myself on a three-hour car ride with a few Family sized bags of chips, some Twinkies, and a sack full of more candy then you can shake a slim jim beef jerky stick at. (Scenario two is pretty much how all my vacations end up so you can understand why I’m a little nervous.) With all these crazy cravings I’ve been having lately, things are looking particularly uphill for me. I'm counting on the fact that weigh day is on Monday. I think the fear of throwing off those numbers might be enough to insulate me from doing too much damage. Arrgh! Ok, how many days has it been now since I’ve become a hungry, bitchy blogger? Oh well, this too shall pass. And hey, I guess we’ll see what happens come Monday!

Urges, Cravings, And Impulses

Hey, I survived The Dentist! My teeth are finally squared away and good to go for another six months. So by Dentist’s orders I’m supposed to be eating soup, or oatmeal, or j-ello or some other food that resembles more of a liquid state than a solid. Of course I want none of the above and I’m starving; I’m actually in the mood for Panda’s orange chicken and fried rice. I think my appetite has the maturity level of a five year old. You tell it, “No you can’t have that” and I instantly crave whatever food is off limits. Actually, for some reason I’ve been having cravings for not so healthy foods for the past couple of days. I’ll be sitting at my desk working and then all of a sudden I’ll think about pancakes with butter and maple syrup. What the hell is that? Does that happen to everybody? Where a picture of food pops into your head and you almost can smell and taste it? It’s been happening a lot lately and I can’t even blame TOM for these cravings. Arrgh! I hate when I get like this; I never know what to do. Should I ignore the cravings or is that going to set me up for a binge? Should I eat a small amount to satisfy the craving or will one bite turn into a week of crap eating? I notice that the cravings are centered around comfort food: mashed potatoes and gravy, chicken fried steak, Burger King croissan’wiches. If it’s battered, deep fried, filled with sugar or made of white flour then I’ve been fantasizing about it. And it’s not just the food itself but it’s also the urge to just eat anything I want without thinking about its nutritional value. I feel like just eating until I’m stuffed and not thinking about how many calories I put away. I don’t know, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and that’s probably where it’s all stemming from. Ok, I’m going to go ahead and post this now. Funny, it never fails that as soon as I’m done writing I already begin to feel better! I’m just hoping that the urge to eat like hell goes away soon. At the rate I’ve been thinking about crappy food I’ll probably end up breaking down and finding myself at an IHOP at 3 am, face down in a stack of golden flapjacks.

My Teeth Are Rebelling!

One way to lose weight? Have ongoing issues with your teeth! A couple of weeks ago I had some fillings done. For the past few weeks I noticed that one of the teeth that had been filled felt extremely sensitive; it’s gotten to the point where I’m not chewing on the right side of my mouth. So tomorrow I’m yet again facing my biggest nemesis; The Dentist. The filling is loose and will have to be corrected so that means another goofy pill and another day of liquids only to make sure that this time the filling sets!

I Have No Shame (And Pretty Laughable Taste In Music)

I had a fantastic run today. I put my ipod on and clocked up a mile and a half and then came home to lift weights. It felt fantastic! So I have to tell you, I had that new J. Timberl@ke song, “Sexy Back”, on repeat. I absolutely love that song and I don’t even have the decency to be properly embarrassed of that guilty pleasure. It’s funny; there are actually many songs on my ipod list that fall into that category. It’s like a 12 year old girl broke into my house and programmed my ipod with boy band and pop princess music. But it helps me kick ass when I’m working out so instead of denying my affinity for teen bubble gum pop music, I’m proudly declaring it here!

I Heart You All! (And Admire You For Putting Up With Me!)

What would I do without you guys? I notice in my posting that I’ll go along just fine, enjoying the fact that I’m totally kicking ass at losing weight and then all of a sudden (and often for no real reason) I have a little freak out and I climb up the crazy tree. As soon as I post though, I notice that it seems to set me right again and I climb back down to normal. My last post is a prime example; just a few days ago I declared myself an official bad ass and then yesterday I panicked because I got scared that maybe all these changes that I’m making are a passing phase. I completely agree with xena, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I’m just so happy that things are going my way that it makes me all the more worried that it will somehow suddenly end. As it turns out, there’s no need for me to worry. I had a great run today and I’m planning on having a great run tomorrow. And if there are days where I’m not in the running mood then oh well, and I’ll do something different. The thing that counts is that I’m making real progress and getting real results and I’ll remember that on days when I’m having a mini-crisis or a TOM-induced pity party. Really I think my whole blog is like that, ups and downs, highs and lows, achievements and disappointments. I think that as manic as it seems, these fluctuations are just part of the journey. I think we pretty much all seem to bounce around like that as we face new challenges and conquer old demons. It makes me think, what did I do before I was able to reach out and connect with all you lovely people? All those feelings and emotions bouncing around and no outlet! Which makes me want to say thanks guys for being there and sorry for all the ping-ponging emotions! It’s just a byproduct of me getting my shit together!

Not Magic, Just Hardwork

Hey! I can run two miles! Yep, two miles and that’s after the mile that I do on Steely Dan. I found out tonight that I've worked myself up to clocking that kind of distance! Who knew? Certainly not me! Today my husband asked if I wanted to go for a run. He’s started to run with me and it’s been really great to get out there together. I told him yes and then I noticed that I felt a little hesitant for like a second and a half as an afterthought. What is that?, I thought. Why do I feel hesitant? For lack of a better word, it almost resembled a little bit of fear. So what am I afraid of? I’m afraid that this whole running thing is a fluke. That right now I’m enjoying it but any day now I’m going to find I’ve lost my passion and dedication for these big workouts. It’s only been a week that I’ve started running outdoors seriously; is the novelty about to wear off? Have you ever had the experience of starting an exercise regimen and you’re going along fine for awhile and then you find that you start to have off days and bad days where you can’t even finish your normal workout? You start to make good excuses and obvious excuses for why you can't exercise. So you think that maybe you need to change it up but then you realize that it’s your motivation that’s gone? This has happened to me so often in the past. I’ll get into a routine for weeks, months even, and then for whatever reason unknown to me, I’ll lose my momentum. I think this is what I’m afraid of. I’m scared that one of these days I’m going to get dressed, tie my shoes up, and walk out of my front door and instead of feeling the “I can do this!” attitude that accompanies me now, it will be replaced with a “I don’t want to do this” feeling. It’s so funny how I always seem to be waiting for something to go wrong along this weight loss journey. It’s almost like things are going along so good that I get scared that it’s going to end all of a sudden. Maybe because I’ve had so many experiences where I did good and started to lose weight only to get sidetracked and gain everything back. It’s happened so many times that it affects how I feel about weight loss in general. I think that I just have to stop and look back up at the first paragraph of this post. Two miles is real, guys! That’s something that I’ve actually done and it’s not just going to magically disappear over night. At least not unless I let it happen.

Why Walk A Mile When You Can Run It?

Every muscle in my body is sore! Not only did I manage to do a bad ass workout on Thursday but I pulled it off everyday this weekend. I realize that sometimes I underestimate myself. If someone a week ago had asked me to run a mile after lifting weights and completing a hill course on Steely Dan I would have told them that I’m not in good enough shape to do that. But Thursday after I looked up the distance I ran I realized that I had done a mile and I felt like I probably could have gone further. So today on my run I went a little further and actually clocked up a mile and a half. And still, I think I probably could have gone further. I only turned around because I knew I had things to do and only had so much time allotted. This is the first time that I’ve ever tried to track distance for my workouts; even with Steely Dan I use the time and course features without paying attention to the distance that I clock up. I guess it just goes to show that I am doing better than I ever would have given myself credit for.

I Am One Of Those People I Admire

Yep, I’m one of those people that I admire. At least I was for like an hour and a half. Today I started with lifting weights, followed by an ab workout and then I did a course of hill climbing on Steely Dan. I then rounded out my workout with a twenty minute one-mile run in my neighborhood. I was out there at 5:00 in the afternoon, running in 105 degree temperatures with the full sun beating down on me. Whenever I’m out driving somewhere and I pass someone running in this crazy summer heat, drenched in sweat, but focused and going the distance I am totally impressed. I always think, “Wow. That person is really hardcore! I wish I had that kind of dedication.” And that’s when I realized that hey, I was totally that person! Let’s make it official: I am a bad ass!

Recipe For Disaster

I’ve never been a good cook. I love food, I love to eat and I have an unhealthy obsession with Food TV but it never translates over to me actually getting into the kitchen. Seriously, my idea of cooking involves a can opener and a microwave. (Maybe that’s why I love salads so much? I’m in my element with bagged lettuce and peel and eat veggies.) And let’s not even talk about baking; there’s a better chance that I’d burn the house down than actually bake something that’s edible. My husband laughs because I buy ready-to-bake cookies and then just eat the dough without bothering to use the stove. My husband on the other hand is an amazing cook. I could go on and on about how good some of the meals he comes up with are. Plus he’s consistent. Every time he cooks a meal it comes out beautiful, it smells wonderful and it tastes great every time. He actually enjoys making food so maybe it’s the “love” that makes it taste so good! (If you’re a fan of “Everybody Loves Raymond” you’ll get that reference.) Anyways, I realize that the reason I’m not a good cook is because in the end, I just don’t really enjoy cooking and I have no patience for it. For example, even though I very rarely eat any red meat I’ve been having such a craving for meatloaf lately that I thought I’d try my hand at making some. I figured I could make it with 4% fat beef, lots of oatmeal, and plenty of fresh herbs, onions and garlic. Yum! I also decided that I would make it in a muffin pan so that way I could guarantee serving size and calorie content. Sounds easy enough, right? Yeah. First, because I know nothing about cooking and do it so little, I didn’t come up with an adequate plan before I started cooking. I portioned out the raw beef and was ready to start mixing individual muffins and then realized that I hadn’t opened the canister of oatmeal or sliced up the veggie stuff. So I washed my hands, opened the oatmeal and sliced the veggies, picked up the meat to start mixing and then realized that I hadn’t got any of the spices out of their shakers and I didn’t want to touch them with my dirty hands. (I’m very militant about raw meat and bacteria and was trying my best not to touch anything, anywhere.) So of course I stopped and got all the spices ready and as I started getting about halfway through the meatloaf muffins I realized that I had forgotten the tomato sauce. So yet again I had to stop, wash up, open the can of sauce and remix all the muffins I had already made. About halfway through I was tired of this cooking project! I didn’t even feel like finishing, much less having to go through all the clean up still waiting ahead of me! And also another thing, why is it that a stray wisp hair will fall out of my barrette and into my eye or mouth right when I can’t swipe it away? Or why will I have an unbearable itch on my face while my hands are bowl-deep in raw meat and I’ll have to sit there and try to itch myself with my own shoulder? But I digress… In the end, they actually came out really good and totally satisfied my craving. Maybe I could have my own Food TV show after all? People could tune in week after week just out of morbid curiosity to watch the train wreck that is Lynne in the kitchen. People would probably just watch the show, confused, and wonder “Is this girl ever going to get it? For the fortieth time, how hard can cooking meatloaf be?!”

Obsess Much?

I've been over thinking things just too much lately. For example, here’s what will run through my mind: Less than twenty pounds to go; I could do that by Halloween. Boy, Halloween, that’s the start of the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas always add a couple of pounds. I need to make sure that I don’t gain all this weight back during the holidays. It wouldn’t be the first time I did something like that. I need to start preparing now. Then I realize it’s only the beginning of August. And that I seriously need to chill out and quit worrying so much. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; it’s hard to take everyday one step at a time while at the same time trying to make long-term changes. That is a hard balance to keep up without driving yourself crazy!

The Two Day Buffet (Otherwise Known As The Weekend)

Why is there something going on every weekend that involves food? It seems like I do good all week long; I eat right and exercise and drink my water and take my vitamins and everything moves along splendidly. Then Friday night, Saturday and Sunday come along and it feels like I’m at risk for undoing all the good that I’ve done Monday through Friday afternoon. My husband and I were talking about how tired we are lately and how we feel like by the time Monday morning comes along, we’ve had no rest. But then we realized that every weekend over the past few months has either been someone’s birthday/house/backyard barbecue party, or guests visiting, or dinner with friends and family or other event. For me, these events always pose themselves as big scary hurdles to jump. I’m always wondering if I’m going to make good choices. Will there be something at this party for me to eat or will I be shoveling spinach dip and cheesecake into my mouth for the next four hours? And if I eat sparingly, is someone going to ask me why I’m not eating more? Are they going to ask if I’m on a diet? Am I going to have to decide whether to tell them yes or make up some lie about how I already ate and I’m not that hungry? And if I do indulge myself and eat a boatload of crap, will I wake up and work out tomorrow or will I continue into a couple of days of binge eating? When I look at my food journals I see that in general I’m handling weekend eating relatively well, but I feel like it’s requiring too much mental and emotional energy. I also think that as I get closer to goal I'm going to have to be more strict. In the past I knew that I could fudge a little more on the weekends when I had fifty pounds to lose. I won't have that same leeway when I start to get down to those last ten or fifteen. At some point it won't be enough to do well for four days and then half-ass it for three. I don't know where I'm going with this and I'm sure I'll keep plodding along. It's just that sometimes I wish I could just show up to some social event and not care about how much mayonnaise is in the potato salad.

I'm Sensitive, Please Don't Hurt My Fillings

I had to have some fillings done today. I first have to start off by explaining that I have an irrational fear of the dentist. I have very sensitive teeth in general; heat, cold and sweets can sometimes bother my teeth. In addition to extreme sensitivity, in the past when I’ve had fillings I have always been able to feel the drill no matter how numbed up they try to get me. My dad has the same problem as I do (funnily enough, when we both smile you can tell that him and I have the exact same teeth. Genetics are so interesting.) I’ve also had a couple of crappy dentists over the years, which has only increased my fears. My last dentist told me that I was just nervous and that all I was feeling was pressure from the drill. I tried to tell him that the pressure isn’t what bothers me, I’m fine with the pressure, it’s the incessant pain of drilling into my half-numbed tooth that was irksome. Every time they used the little water spout or the air blower thingy (sorry, I don’t know the technical terms) it was like having ice cold shot directly on to the nerve. So when I told him that I felt it he looked at me puzzled and said, “You shouldn’t be feeling that.” Which of course made me want to tell him, “Yeah, no shit.” But as he was the one holding the drill, I thought I’d keep that last comment to myself. Anyways, this experience is pretty much what most of my experiences with dentists have been like and that has led to me religiously brushing and flossing in the hopes that I will never have to suffer through anything more than twice a year check-ups. ”Preventative measures” is my motto when it comes to my teeth! But last Monday at my check up with my new dentist they found a cavity. They said “Well, we’ll have you back in on Thursday for a filling.” Which to my little fearful brain sounds like, “Well, we’ll have you back in on Thursday for unbearably cruel and traumatizing torture.” Luckily, this new dentist was very accommodating to my fears and he prescribed me a heavy duty sedative before the procedure. First, let me say, that there was one time where I vaguely felt the drill but I was so loopy it wasn’t even an issue. I mean I was really that out of it. My husband drove me there and after the filling was done drove me home where I proceeded to sleep for four hours. Yep, that was some heavy duty stuff. So later on I woke up and my husband was getting ready to leave. I asked him if he would take my car and fill it up with gas to which he cracked up laughing and reminded me that we stopped for gas after the filling. Me: No we didn’t! Him: (Laughing) Yes, we did! Me: I don’t really remember that… Him: Yes, we stopped at the gas station near the dentist’s office. It was next to the Panda Express. Don’t you remember telling me how much you loved Panda Express and how you wished there was one closer to the house and then you told me how many calories are in the orange chicken? Me: (Shocked) I do kind of remember that! I was going on about how unfair that Panda is so high in calories and that I sure would love to take some home right now! So evidently, even half-drugged and fresh out of a dental procedure, I still am thinking about food! I may not remember where I am but I can tell you the calorie content of fried rice per serving!

The Universe At Work

Today I didn’t feel like working out and I had no other excuse other than that I felt like lazing on the couch. I argued back and forth with myself and finally decided I would just keep on lying there. I told myself that there’s always tomorrow. Even though I hadn’t worked out yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. And um, the day before that one… So, after making my decision to spend the night like a sofa pillow, I was lying comfortably on the couch watching Food TV when the cable went out. I was like, “Fine! I get the hint, Universe!” and figured that I would take that as a sign to put a workout dvd in and get my ass in gear. There is something about having a great workout and really pushing yourself after slacking off for a few days. I felt really good afterwards and I had to wonder (just like I always do) why don’t I just do that from the beginning? 99% of the time I really enjoy working out as soon as I start. It seems so easy, right? But I’m sure I’ll conveniently forget this fact the next time I’m glued to my couch.

100th Post

Hey, lucky number 100! As I love nice round milestones and markers, I thought I’d take a minute to pause at this entry and reflect a little. I’ve written 100 posts over the last seven months. There have been so many ups and downs! It seems the further along I go the more swings my thoughts and emotions can take. I think it's because I'm starting to really explore things and consequently to get more in touch with how I feel about things. Take this weekend for example. After feeling like a big fat girl I spent the weekend doing nothing but eating fast food and avoiding exercise and generally feeling bad about myself. Not good, but just for the moment I let myself kind of really explore all those negative emotions instead of trying to distract myself from them. I really let myself sit in it and stew for a while. I let my mind run over all my supposed weaknesses and flaws. I even let myself do the “I can’t do this. I’ll never be able to keep this up.” thoughts. Then after getting that out of my system I stopped and then rationally asked myself, “If you can’t do this and it’s impossible, why go on?” And it’s funny because I have such a reaction to a thought like that. I can’t imagine not going on. When you get down to it, I really do believe in myself, my abilities, and I care enough about myself to do this. In the end, I’m a tough cookie who means business. This kind of self-indulgence isn’t something that I would let myself do often but it was something that kind of helped me move past this little emotional slump that’s been creeping in over the past few weeks. To paraphrase Patl, long-term wallowing is not good but sometimes acknowledging feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction can help you to really understand what it is that you need or are striving for in life. I figure that these negative self-doubts I have aren’t bad if I’m channeling them into more constructive path ways. I believe growth and change are painful by nature. Being outside of your comfort zone or forcing yourself to examine just who you really are as a person is going to feel uncomfortable but I’m trying to find a welcome place for it along this crazy journey. So yes I'm feeling better and just like that, I was down in the dumps and then bouncing right back up into the "I can do this!" mode. Thanks to everyone who commented that it’s normal to worry about what other people think about you. It’s nice to know that others do it too. I just for some reason felt well, I guess the best word for it would be vulnerable at that party. Too often I forget that mine is a struggle that so many others quietly experience too and I’m not really alone. So I figure I should end this 100th post with some kind of “What I’ve learned while blogging” statement. But really, there’s so much I’ve learned that it’s difficult to condense into a few nice, neat little sentences (but hey, I’ll try): It doesn’t matter how many times you trip, stumble or fall down flat on your face. What matters is that each time it happens you pick yourself up and keep going again. When it comes down to it, that’s what you do because that’s what it takes. Also, the great thing is that in Fatblogland a hand stretched out to help you back up is never far away!