You All Are Sweeter Than Halloween Candy!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what would I do without you guys? Thanks for all your nice comments and support! It’s come at a time when I really need it (seeing as I’m still feeling at a standstill) and it’s just nice to know that others can understand what this whole weight battle is like. It’s strange; I have wonderful, supportive people in my “real” life but no one that I can truly relate to when it comes to this whole fat/body image/food issues thing. There are times when I’m working everyday (sometimes it feels like every moment) on this weight loss journey and I feel like it’s such a private, invisible thing that’s mainly going on within me. It occupies so much of my time and mental energy and yet it’s something that I don’t ever really talk about and nobody knows how much of me is just consumed by it. In a way, it’s almost lonely sometimes! So my point is, thank you for being there everyone! Tonight I’ll be going with my family to watch my nephew trick or treat. He’s 2 ½ so old enough to tell me “No!” if I start to eat his candy!

Weigh To Go! Part 10

December’s Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 137.4 Today’s Weigh-In: 134.8 That’s 2.6 pounds lost for the month of October and a total of 44.1 gone since December. I figure that 2.6 pounds is not too bad of a loss considering the case of the blahs I’ve had the last few weeks. And I’m especially excited that this puts me at less than 10 pounds left to go! I had originally set 125 pounds as my goal; I chose it because this is what WW had set as my goal a few years ago and I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I couldn’t imagine getting down that low so it seemed as good a number as any! Now it seems weird to be so close (weird but also exciting!) and I hope that being this close will give me the much needed motivation that I’ve been lacking lately. I just keep remembering when I was thirty-something pounds away from goal and it felt like I would never get to the 134 that I am right now, let alone 125. There have been so many times along the way that I thought that this was an impossible thing to do and I felt like giving up. But now I’m so close and I’m going to push myself. I started this weight loss journey almost a year ago in December. I’d like to see myself at goal by the end of this year. I think I can take off nine more pounds before the end of 2006 and if anything, knowing I’m so close and going for this last nine may be what I need to face the holiday madness that is quickly approaching!

Warning: I’m Still Being A Big Whiny Baby

Today I survived a work lunch at an Italian restaurant. It’s hard to be good in a place that serves garlic knots smothered in butter along with their fresh baked bread! So another challenge out of the way and the count down continues. After I got home I decided to go for my Thursday run. I’ve been looking forward to it because of how crappy my exercising has been and I was gung ho to get back on track. Normally I have three days off (Monday through Wednesday) and then four days on where I run everyday (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday). It’s only been two weeks since I went for a run but I felt all out of sorts and tired and I ended up not having a good run today. Right from the start it started out wrong; usually as I leave my doorstep I feel happy anticipating the feeling of moving my body and being out in nature. But when I went out today I felt awkward and unmotivated. I went out of the gate of my neighborhood and went to run on the main road that runs through the master planned community that I live in which is my usual route. Our community is nice, the homes are new and the streets and sidewalks are landscaped and clean. But recently a whole bunch of new housing has been opened so now there’s way too much traffic on the main street because it’s the only way in and out of the community for hundreds of houses (it really sucks that the city didn’t plan out the streets better for this area). It felt like I was jogging along the main highway or something! For being early afternoon there was a constant flow of cars and trucks coming by, including all the big construction trucks, and it was just kind of unnerving. It’s actually gotten so busy out there that I’ve stopped walking my dog on that street because the speeding traffic just makes me nervous. In addition to all the traffic the school buses let the kids out in one spot on this main road because that road isn’t a through street and if the buses go any further down then they won’t be able to turn back around. Because of this there are a ton of kids walking down the sidewalk path and in the street. I happened to go out right when all the high school kids were walking home and ended up trying to jog around groups of teenagers. Most of the kids were fine but there was a group of about ten 16 year olds who thought it was funny to purposely block the sidewalk so that I couldn’t jog around. I’ve seen these same kids out kicking rocks into the street as cars pass by trying to time it right so that it will actually hit the cars and I hate to say it but I’m so old now that I get really pissed off when I see punk kids acting up. When I finally got around them I heard even over the blasting of my ipod some of the cracks they were making about me and it just amazes me that kids really have no respect for adults. Ok, that sentence really shows I’m old! I guess the next step is me sitting out on my front porch waving my fist and yelling, “Keep off my lawn, punk kids!” as children pass by. By the end of my run I just wanted to get home but of course that wasn’t going to be possible until I had to deal with the hooting and hollering from the construction workers and then pass the jerk off kids again. Oh yeah, that was pretty much the perfect horrible ending to about the worst run I’ve had ever! The last few blocks I didn’t even have the energy or heart for anything but a mild walking pace. To be honest, the whole thing really bothered me today. It’s silly that it actually got to me that badly but it’s because those runs are usually where I go to clear my mind and find a little peace in my stressful life. If anything, I felt worse for wear when I got home and it's killed my desire to go running tomorrow. Instead I'll probably spend some time with Steely Dan. And I realize what I had begun to think the last time I was out jogging, it’s time for me to find a new route; preferably one where I don’t have to dodge traffic, asshole kids or catcalls.

No Motivation For Anything Except Eating

Arrgh! This week has been just a little blah. I’m not doing horribly (I’ve seen me do much worse!) but I feel myself slipping in motivation a little bit. In addition to my not having properly exercised for almost two weeks, I can’t seem to stay on target food wise. I’ve gone over my calorie range every day this last week. One day 20 calories over, the next 580 calories over, the next 50 calories over and so on and so on. Maybe it’s the weather change because I have been so hungry lately, even after TOM went away and was no longer there to blame. Weigh in is three days away and it will be interesting to see what the scales say. Hopefully this feeling of blah-ness will clear up soon. I feel like I need to do as well as possible right now because this time of year always kicks my ass!

1 Challenge Down, 5,647,364 More To Go

Today I ate at cheesecake factory, yum! I did ok, maybe just a little more butter and bread than I intended but other than that I ate reasonably well. For my meal I ordered a chicken/avocado/flatbread sandwich like thing. I only ate about half of it and half of the fries that came with it, the other half of the sandwich was dinner and it was just as good as it was at lunch. This weekend has actually been one of the yuckier weekends food and exercise wise that I’ve had in a long time. Like I said, today wasn’t bad, and yesterday I was about three hundred calories over target. That only becomes a problem because I knew that today was going to be a big eating day and so that makes two days of lax eating. Which again wouldn’t be that bad except that I also haven’t done any exercise this whole weekend. I ran about a mile and a half on Thursday night and I really struggled the whole time. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I spent either studying for school, sitting on my ass or napping. I usually look forward to my workouts, they serve as stress relievers and I find them pretty enjoyable, but this weekend I couldn’t even talk myself into thinking about any exercise. I was worried that maybe the reason I was so tired and unmotivated was a sign of me coming down with something. But then as happens every month, I did the math and realized that TOM was coming. I swear I could post this paragraph every 28 days! It sucks to know that every four weeks I’ll feel tired and bitchy, I’ll be all pissy because my clothes don’t seem to fit right and I’ll be ravenously hungry no matter how much I eat. And for some reason I forget that I feel like this every month and I wind up thinking, “Have I lost my motivation?” So this week was so-so, it could have been better but I also know it could have been a lot worse! I’m looking forward to Thursday when I’ll be feeling better and I’ll be back to my normal exercise schedule.

Putting My "Hiking" Shoes On

For a while during the summer it seemed that there was something going on every week that involved social occasions and food. Whether it was dinner with friends or family, visiting guests who we stocked the house full of snacks for, or week long birthday celebrations, it felt like I was constantly navigating an obstacle course of late night munching, favorite restaurant free-for-alls, and constant opportunities to eat cake to the point of nausea. Then things settled down and I did great; there weren’t too many big temptations and the small ones didn’t seem so difficult and I handled it all like a champ. But things are picking up again and the next few months are full of parties, birthdays, and of course the big bad mamas of weight loss hurdles, the holidays! In particular I realized that I’ll be eating out several times at some of my favorite restaurants over the next few weeks. Restaurant food is still my greatest nemesis and there are some places in particular that I really have trouble being reasonable at. A lot of it has to do with my perception of responsibility. If I can find the nutritional information of a restaurant online then I feel committed (maybe even obligated) to make a healthier choice. But if I don’t know the info for a restaurant then I feel like it’s all beyond my control and so it’s understandable that I fall victim to the lure of eating enough for a family of four at one sitting. It’s not my fault that I didn’t have any calorie information to reference before making my choice! And really that’s just me making an excuse. I know that if it’s smothered in cheese, smeared with mayonnaise, covered in butter, or making huge puddles of fat and oil on its plate then it’s probably not a great choice for me. I know what I should be looking for when I’m ordering but when faced with a menu I convince myself that it’s probably all really bad for me so I should just say screw it and get anything and everything I want. The next two weeks will be a challenge but I keep reminding myself that I still have to journal everything I eat (part of my “if you eat it, you write it” rule) and even if I don’t know exact numbers, I still have to do my best and estimate. If I eat like a madwoman I can’t pretend it didn’t happen just because I didn’t jot it down. Hopefully this will keep me aware of my long term wants and not my short term desires. So many people have said that losing weight is an uphill battle and they aren't joking! If we're going with this metaphor then I figure that I didn’t come this far only to turn around and go back to where I started. I want to see the view from the top of the mountain!

The Boots, Round 2

So over the weekend I decided that I was going to find something that matched those damn boots or I would take them back. Either I’d wear them with a really awesome outfit that would make me feel cute and sexy or I’d just go get my money back. I put the boots in the trunk of my car (just in case) and went through the mall on a mission. I ended up leaving with an awesome pencil skirt and Capri dress pants that look really cute with the boots so I’ve decided that they have earned a place in my closet after all. I hope you guys are not bored into a coma due to reading two posts in a row about whether or not I’m going to keep a pair of shoes but I think I’m dwelling on this because it’s become about more than just the boots. It’s about me being ok with breaking out of my comfort zone. It’s about me feeling like a person who is confident and with it. I’ve always seen other girls wear a certain style or fashion that’s popular and I’ve always thought they look great doing it. Key word being “they”. Clothes like that were for them but not someone like me. I was too fat or too gawky or too fill in the blank with some other self-criticism. I remember when I was a young girl my mom would go shopping. When she got home she would try on what she had bought and sometimes there were things she would take back. She’d say that she had liked it in the store but now she wasn’t so sure. I remember she’d try things on and look at herself in the mirror with a look of exasperation and indecision on her face. I don’t know if when she was doing that she was experiencing the same feelings that I feel now, she never talked about it, but I think I recognized that same look on my own face in the mirror the night I brought those boots home and tried them on. My mom always says that she spent too much of her young adult life worrying about things that didn’t really matter. I think I’m getting to an age where I can understand that.

These Boots Are Made For Walking And Maybe I'm More Of A Sitting Down Quietly Kind Of Girl

Yesterday after work I had some unexpected free time so I thought I’d swing by the mall and buy me something nice. I feel like everything I buy is always very practical and multi-purpose, and it was time to just buy something that was a want and not a need. I’ve been wanting a pair of knee high boots for awhile, they seem to be really popular this season and I always look at them every time I’m out shopping. In the past whenever I’ve tried them on my legs were always too fat for them to zip up all the way but I thought maybe this time would be different. There are a ton of styles of knee high boots out right now and I tried on a few different pairs and for some of them my legs were still too fat but some of them did fit. I ended up buying a pair in chocolate brown with a stiletto heel and a pointed toe box. Then I figured that I should go buy a skirt or outfit to wear with them because nothing I own fits those shoes. I never wear skirts or anything that shows my legs, in fact I never even try skirts on, so I didn’t even know what styles fit me. Well after a few frustrating laps across the mall, stopping in too many stores and countless disappointing trips to the changing room, I left the mall with just the boots. I just couldn’t find anything that fits me right and matches my style and taste. I was really disappointed because I thought to myself that now that I’m more than forty pounds lighter finding clothes should be that much easier. But it just didn’t work out that way and it seems that finding clothes that fit is almost as difficult now as it was then. I still have the same problem finding stuff that fits both my waist and hips and things that are too small to be buttoned across my chest and arms still fit way too baggy on my torso. It was just so frustrating and depressing for me. When I got home last night I started to have doubts about the boots. Right now I don’t even have anything to wear with them and even if I can find an outfit I hate to own a pair of shoes that can’t mix and match with the rest of my closet. On top of all that, I’m not even sure I can pull these boots off. I’m afraid that instead of wearing the boots, the boots will be wearing me. I’m a shy person and I tend to dress in a way that’s more about blending in then sticking out and I think that’s residual from always feeling uncomfortable about my body. I know it sounds silly to worry so much about a pair of boots but it’s more than being just about the shoes now; it’s about still being afraid of being outside my comfort zone. Right now I’m just debating on taking them back. The whole point of buying them was to make me feel good and so far the whole thing has just kind of been a let down.

Doing What Works For Me

Things have been very busy and stressful but I’m doing relatively well with my eating. Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays are fourteen hour days. On those days it’s best for me to keep to a predictable, even if mundane, routine: Oatmeal for breakfast, cup of soup for lunch, low cal snack pack in the afternoon and then because school and practicum take up a lot of time, I don’t eat again until around 10. I know that I should probably be eating more times throughout such a long day and distributing my calories more evenly but I enjoy having that nice big dinner to look forward to. I don’t mind (much) the bowls of Halloween candy or morning box of doughnuts lying around the office if I know that at dinner time I can eat a big meal that will fill me up and satisfy me. I’ve always been a night time eater and the thing that trips me up most is if I spend all my calories during the day and then have to scale back dinner to a small meal. That’s how I often find myself starving at 10 o’clock at night and deciding to say, “Screw it!” and I end up face down in a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Even on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays when I eat smaller portions and more meals throughout the day, I am starving late in the evening and I feel like looking for something, anything to munch on. I just think it’s funny that for so long I tried to fight that late night eater tendency that I’ve always had and that by actually sensibly accommodating it, I’ve had an easier time on keeping myself on track.

It's The Xtra Small Things That Count

I went to target last weekend to buy a few new blouses to wear for practicum. All the tops that I’ve been wearing are size large and they look funny on me when I wear my size six pants with them. The pants fit right but all the shirts fit in a way that is strongly reminiscent of a potato sack. Not sexy! So I bought five tops (I love when things are all on sale) and I bought everything in a size extra small. Now I’m not sure how the manufacturers call these shirts size extra small because it seems like everything runs big (these are probably closer to small/medium in other stores) but boy does it feel nice to buy the teeniest tiniest size that they offer! All the sweaters are kind of stretch knits so they expand to fit me now but will still fit nicely when I get down to my goal weight. Right now they are very snug and I’m burning extra calories because I’m working so hard to keep my tummy sucked in! But hey, this means that I haven’t wasted money on new outfits that will be unwearably big within a month or so. That’s one of my personal pet peeves, spending money on a great shirt that I like, only to not be able to wear it in a few months time because my weight has either fluctuated drastically high or low. I guess it’s the result of never having been able to maintain a stable weight my entire adult life and therefore my closet is filled with clothes that are not wearable for whatever reason. It’s like throwing money at a problem that never goes away and in the end I still don’t have anything to wear! But buying in the extra small sizes, I won’t have that problem unless I gain the weight back and I don’t plan on doing that!

Undercover Lynne, Round 2

I put together another round of progress pictures for anyone interested. I'm too paranoid about just putting them out there for all the world to see and running the risk of non-fatblogland coming across them. Instead, what works for me is if you would like to see them, e-mail me at lynne2lean@yahoo.com and I'll send them off to you! In other news (I know my posting has been few and far between, life is just horribly busy right now) my temporary job has turned into a permanent position! So what a big relief that has been. Half of the stress that I've been experiencing has come from worrying about finding a job that would accomodate my crazy grad program schedule. This job will do that plus the people are great and the actual work is non-stressful, easy stuff. I need something right now that doesn't require a lot of mental energy because work has become the place where I go to relax from the rest of my life!