Weigh To Go! Part 17

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 132 Yesterday’s Weigh-In: 144.8 That's a gain of 12.8 pounds and it's about what I expected. I'm at that point where I'm anxious to get it off. I'm so uncomfortable in my clothes and as the weather keeps heating up (we hit triple digits last week) I really want to just get back on track. I did kinda okay over the holiday weekend, I didn't do great but I did manage to refrain from eating my house. Man, I can't believe that one crappy month can cause so much damage. I guess I just have to take it for what it is and get back at it.

One Step At A Time

Well, I’ve tentatively been back at it for two days now. I feel better already just having some semblance of routine back and not feeling like I’m spiraling out of control anymore. I peeked at the scale this morning to see what the damage is. I usually only weigh in once a month officially but after a spectacular binge like the one I’m recovering from I always have a morbid curiosity to see just how much carnage has ensued from my little excursions into bingeland. The numbers aren’t pretty, people: 145 pounds. Now I’m hoping that some of that is bloat or water retention or basically anything but actual gained fat. Here’s why I’ve got my fingers crossed: Over the last three weeks I just couldn’t seem to keep my shit together, I’d go a couple days of being sensible and then lose it for a couple of days in a row. So if the 145 is an accurate number and I gained about 15 pounds, then according to my food journal I gained a pound for each day spent off the wagon. A pound for each day? That just doesn’t seem right or maybe what I mean is that it doesn’t seem fair! Either way, I’m trying to get back into it. I’m trying to take each day at a time and not worry about upcoming things. If I think about how over the next two and a half weeks I have multiple dinner get-togethers with friends and family, a holiday weekend full of all you can eat barbecues, or my birthday weekend at the beginning of June (in which the festivities usually stretch out over a four day or more period) then I’d get discouraged knowing that these are all times that I need to find some kind of balance and moderation. If anything I have to not think about any of that and only concentrate on each day as it comes. It reminds me of when you’re jogging and you see how far you have to go and it feels like you’ll never make it. Whenever that happens I sometimes find it easier to just put my head down and concentrate on each step, just putting one foot in front of the other. Then before you know it, you look up and the distance has gotten way smaller and you feel like you’ll make it to the end of that mile after all. I think I’ll use this same method with my eating over the next few weeks. I know I can do it but it’s just hard given my tendency to completely go off the deep-end anytime you say cake.

Starting Over Yet Again

Well, I’m back at day one again. It started harmlessly enough. I went out to dinner with a friend and decided to order an entrée that is a favorite that I haven’t had in a long time because it’s more calories than is allotted in a day. Sure, I could have eaten half and then taken the rest home. I could have ordered a water with lemon instead of a regular coke. I could have said no thanks when my friend suggested that we order dessert. Hell, I could have suggested we share the dessert instead of us both ordering two different things just so we could try them both. But I didn’t and that’s how it innocently started. Then the next day I woke up and I kept going. My husband came home from being out of town for a week and I was excited to see him so I decided to celebrate with a huge meal and lots and lots of ice cream. Then the next day one of my really good friends came back into town and we decided to all get together for a girls lunch, and I thought hell I’d already blown it the last few days so I’ll order something that I really, really want and I’ll eat it all. And I did. And it didn’t stop after I left them and I got back home and that’s how I ended up eating homemade cookie dough all the way up until bedtime last night. Oh guys, even my big jeans are way too tight! Things are just not looking good.

I’m Such a Poseur

So I got my act together Monday and today is day three of being back to normal. Boy was Monday rough! After ten days of eating like a maniac it was so hard to go back to eating sensibly. And that really bothers me, I eat very well everyday and I’ve been at it for a long time. But it’s still not my true, natural way of eating. When left to my own devices I still overeat, snack way too much, and make bad choices. Co-workers, friends, family members always comment on what a healthy eater I am. I feel like that’s all a lie. I’m a fat girl pretending to eat well for weeks or even months at a time but deep down inside my eating habits aren’t really any different. I don’t know if that will ever change. I always read other bloggers who have really embraced eating healthy and exercising. They do it just for the sheer joy of doing it. But I don’t, I still exercise and eat healthy as a means to an end. I do it for the benefits only and I’d stop doing it tomorrow if weight loss and health were possible without it. I don’t know, maybe this is all just the detox talking! Either way, it doesn’t mean I’m going to give up. I’ll still find my way. And I know that everyday back to normal gets just a little bit easier.

Rebel Without A Cause (To Stop Eating)

I need to stop eating. This is just ridiculous. I just got back from spending a week in Southern Utah and in addition to enjoying the weather and the views, I ate way, way too much. I don’t know if it was the rustic cabin in the woods setting or what but the meals I ate were fit for a mountain man. I guess no tv, no internet, no telephone equals eating for entertainment. So now I’m home and I still can’t stop. My husband left to be out of town for another week today and I’ve spent the day eating ice cream, chips, drinking real coke (as opposed to diet) and my dinner consisted of a double bacon cheeseburger and large curly fries meal. To be honest, I’m eating cookie dough as we speak. And I know I shouldn’t be but I just want to and I can’t seem to scrape up enough desire to stop doing it right now. I know that some of you have written about sneak eating. I rarely ever do it anymore but as long as I can remember there have been times where I would binge eat when I’m alone. I used to love to be by myself, just me and my favorite food friends. Some people when they were teenagers would have big parties while their parents were out of town. My rebellion was inviting the $1 value menu home when I had the house to myself. I honestly can tell you that I have no idea why I do it. Growing up, my parents never monitored my eating habits or restricted what or when I could or couldn’t eat. My eating habits and food preferences were really a non-issue. Yet despite this, I have always loved to sneak eat by myself. Maybe it’s if no one sees it then it really didn’t happen? I don't know who I think I'm fooling because if I continue on like this, both my wallet and jeans will tell on me.

Weigh To Go! Part 16

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 132.2 Yesterday’s Weigh-In: 132 First of all, thanks guys for all your kind comments on the last post. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one walking through the stores thinking, “WTF?!” So with all my bitching and moaning I forgot to post my weight for April. 132 isn’t bad. Like I had mentioned a few posts ago, I really feel like I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds. I start around the low 130’s at the beginning of the month, gain a couple of pounds and then take them off just in time for end of the month weigh in. It’s a little bit frustrating but at least I’m maintaining in a sense. The only problem is that it’s unintentional maintenance. I’m actively trying to lose weight and yet at the end of the month all I have to show for it is breaking even. How is it in a 30 day month I can have 28 “good” days and then two bad ones and those 28 days seem to count for nothing? Ok, ok, I bitched and whined last post. I won’t do that again with this one! It’s not about numbers, right? This is worth so much more than that, I know. But sometimes you seriously think to yourself, WTF?! Hmm, that seems to be a recurring theme in my life lately…

Warning: I Am About To Be “Negative Nancy” All Over This Place

Hi. Ok, I know a fat blog is about weight loss and all its ups and downs and not just a place to bitch and gripe but I really need to be a big, whiny baby right now. Please indulge me. So yesterday was my second year anniversary and it started off wonderfully. We both had the day off and had slept late and were just sitting around watching tv. I should have just kept on doing that. But instead I decided that my husband and I should take a trip to the mall. He had given me a gift certificate so I thought it would be really nice to stroll around the shops to burn a few calories before our big fancy dinner and maybe I’d even find something pretty to buy to wear that night. Well, after a couple of hours I just wanted to get the hell out of there before I burst into tears. What is with the new styles of clothing this season? All that shit looks the same and I can’t wear any of it. Everything seems to have that high empire waist and then a ton of material billowing out from it. I look pregnant in that crap! Everything is also way too long. It hits me right at my saddlebag thighs and makes my hips, thighs, and ass look huge. It draws so much attention to that area of my body that I am only one step away from pointing arrows and blinking lights strung around my ass. Then the sleeves are very short and full of elastic. The stuff I was trying on made my arms look like sausages in a tourniquet. You couldn’t design a more unflattering fit for my specific body type if you tried. I don’t know what I did to piss off the fashion industry but I’m thinking that the new trends are some kind of cruel personal shot at me. Yes, a few hours in a mall have made me paranoid. So I tried not to get too down after we left the mall empty handed. I was determined to go and have a nice, romantic dinner at this really beautiful restaurant. The view was incredible, the service was awesome, and the food was so, so good. Until towards the end of the meal I felt like I was going to vomit. Tell me if this has happened to any of you but I’d say within the last two years I’ve eaten more healthy than I ever have before and it’s actually affected my ability to eat rich, fried, heavy food. I have had a handful of times where I have actually gotten sick and been throwing up because the food was just too heavy for me. We actually had to rush the check and then drive home as fast as possible because I was afraid I was going to be sick like I have in previous times. I made it home but all our plans for that evening were ruined as I lay in my room in the dark trying not to throw up. Guys, I was (and am) just so disappointed with yesterday. Evidentially, according to store standards, I am too fat to fit into today’s new trends. I am supposedly so oddly shaped that they don’t even make clothes for girls that look like me. Yet because I have done so much to get healthy like eating only natural foods and 70 to 80 percent of my diet being fresh veggies and fruit, and trying to eat only whole grains, nuts, and cutting out all oil, fat, butter, etc. my body can’t handle something that’s been deep fried and covered in a sugar-based sauce. I get sick when I eat too many carbohydrates mixed with sugar and oil. There’s something about that mixture that is poison to my system. That’s some ironic shit: too fat for trendy clothes, too healthy for crap food.