Weigh To Go! Part 19

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 139.9 Yesterday’s Weigh-In: 139.8 Oh that frustrates me to no end! One month and I didn’t lose anything. But actually this doesn’t show the whole story because I spent the whole month of July gaining weight, and I know that at some point during the month I had blown past the 145 mark. At least I managed to lose enough to bring me back down to where I started. I’m not sure where to go from here. I see how far I’ve come and that there’s not that far for me to go but I honestly feel like I can’t do it. I don’t know, I’ll have to blog later in the week to tell you all where my head is at.

Still Hanging In There

I’m still trying to hang in there and do my best. Last week I had one pair of jeans that fit and I was feeling pretty depressed and kind of freaking out about what I should do next. I actually ended up doing something that I’ve only joked about doing; I called into work Fat. Ok, so I told them that I wasn’t feeling well and I needed to take a day off, which was sort of true since I was feeling so rundown after finals week, but really my biggest motivator for taking time off was the fact that I didn’t want to show up to work naked. So on Tuesday I called in fat and then I got through Wednesday and Thursday by wearing my only pair of jeans again. Screw it, I thought, everyone's in training this week (luckily) so no one is around to notice anyways. That got me safely to the weekend where I could kind of regroup my thoughts and focus on what to do about this whole situation. I’m happy to say that things are starting to look up a little. What I didn’t realize last week is that I was bloated from eating badly and PMS. Once I started exercising, eating right, and getting more sleep I managed to get myself back down to where I was pre-finals. So now I have clothes that “fit” again, although “fit” is in the eyes of the beholder, or more accurately in the comfort level of the wearer. So what to do next? I think Jen and Melissa are right; I need to go buy some stuff that I can actually wear comfortably just to get myself through this. I’m so stubborn though, I guess rebuying this stuff feels a little like admitting defeat and that’s why I’ve been so reluctant to actually do it. It’s just funny to me (funny ironic, definitely not funny ha ha), a few months ago I was somewhere around three pounds from my goal. At one point I was that close to hitting it. But it doesn’t really matter because it’s not about saying that I hit that one number that one time. No, I need to figure out how to not lose sight of the bigger picture. No matter how much I logically tell myself that this is about long term life changes, it’s about health and not appearance, I still get into this mindset that this is a problem that has an end result, a quick solution. I don’t know, I’m a pretty smart cookie but it never ceases to amaze me how I can be hit over the head with this point, think that I’ve finally got it figured out, and then be surprised when I revert back to that short-term, surface goal kind of thinking. Either way, like I said, I’m still here and I’m still trying. I think the important thing is that I’m not giving up. I still believe in myself and I still think that I’m worth it.

Hitting Rock Bottom

I have no choice but to really get serious and figure out what to do about my weight. I’ve basically been fucking around this entire year and I’m really paying for it now. Back in early December I was on a nice downward trend, the exercising was going well, and my size 4 pants and skirts were sitting a little loosely. I think it was around this time that I took all the clothes in my closet that were too big and I donated them. I also bought a lot of stuff to replace those things. Well, this morning I had a low moment. See, within the last few weeks I’ve become increasingly limited in what I can wear and it sucks because I’ve been down to a handful of items that I just keep rotating. I think those few items represent less than 10% of all the stuff in my closet and it’s annoying to stand in front of racks of clothes and know that you still have nothing to wear. Things have just been too tight and really uncomfortable and I’ve been miserable at work and school sitting for hours in clothes that barely fit. Well, I found something even worse than that. As of today, I have one pair of pants that fit. I donated all the stuff that I had in my current size because I didn’t want or think that I’d be right back here and all the stuff that I bought since then are a good couple of sizes too small. I am now down to one pair of dark wash jeans and a couple of ill-fitting blouses that are made for Fall or Spring weather. Just lovely, especially considering that it’s been hitting a hundred and fucking fifteen degrees everyday around here. I honestly don’t know what to do right now. Last week I worked on Monday and Tuesday and then we had Wednesday off for the fourth of July holiday. I took the rest of the week off as I had finals for school. Finals were incredibly stressful, I don’t think I’ve had this many big projects due at once for a while and I even skipped sleeping on Thursday. In the middle of trying to get through all of that I basically just sat around in sweat pants and ate without focus, without thinking. Big mistake and I knew it at the time but I just couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to stop myself. All I wanted to do was focus on school and nothing else and for some reason I always have this sick, twisted idea that eating what I want, when I want is being nice to me. So then this morning I go to put on professional clothes for work and they just no longer fit. What was I thinking? I knew that I was already teetering at the edge of fitting into this stuff and I just went ahead and jumped off that cliff without thinking. So I’m sitting here wearing jeans. I’m supposed to be wearing dress pants and instead I’m sitting here in denim jeans. Luckily my job is never super uptight about the dress code and I’m going to do some filing and office cleaning which justifies the choice to wear jeans but that’s only going to fool everybody for today. But what the hell am I going to do tomorrow? Ok guys, I'm seriously freaking out right now.