Still Hanging In There

I’m still trying to hang in there and do my best. Last week I had one pair of jeans that fit and I was feeling pretty depressed and kind of freaking out about what I should do next. I actually ended up doing something that I’ve only joked about doing; I called into work Fat. Ok, so I told them that I wasn’t feeling well and I needed to take a day off, which was sort of true since I was feeling so rundown after finals week, but really my biggest motivator for taking time off was the fact that I didn’t want to show up to work naked. So on Tuesday I called in fat and then I got through Wednesday and Thursday by wearing my only pair of jeans again. Screw it, I thought, everyone's in training this week (luckily) so no one is around to notice anyways. That got me safely to the weekend where I could kind of regroup my thoughts and focus on what to do about this whole situation. I’m happy to say that things are starting to look up a little. What I didn’t realize last week is that I was bloated from eating badly and PMS. Once I started exercising, eating right, and getting more sleep I managed to get myself back down to where I was pre-finals. So now I have clothes that “fit” again, although “fit” is in the eyes of the beholder, or more accurately in the comfort level of the wearer. So what to do next? I think Jen and Melissa are right; I need to go buy some stuff that I can actually wear comfortably just to get myself through this. I’m so stubborn though, I guess rebuying this stuff feels a little like admitting defeat and that’s why I’ve been so reluctant to actually do it. It’s just funny to me (funny ironic, definitely not funny ha ha), a few months ago I was somewhere around three pounds from my goal. At one point I was that close to hitting it. But it doesn’t really matter because it’s not about saying that I hit that one number that one time. No, I need to figure out how to not lose sight of the bigger picture. No matter how much I logically tell myself that this is about long term life changes, it’s about health and not appearance, I still get into this mindset that this is a problem that has an end result, a quick solution. I don’t know, I’m a pretty smart cookie but it never ceases to amaze me how I can be hit over the head with this point, think that I’ve finally got it figured out, and then be surprised when I revert back to that short-term, surface goal kind of thinking. Either way, like I said, I’m still here and I’m still trying. I think the important thing is that I’m not giving up. I still believe in myself and I still think that I’m worth it.