So, so frustrated right now. I'll get to that in a minute though because first I want to update you all on how the Birthday weekend went. It was so nice, I really do love to celebrate birthdays! I totally dragged it out over the past few days too. You just have to milk it for all it's worth! I ate a little too much but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And then I woke up this morning and exercised and got right back on track, so overall I'm doing well and I really can say that I had a fantastic weekend. It was all worth it!
Ok, now I have to talk about why I'm so upset. I just got back from dinner with a friend. Her and I have known each other for only about two years but we're very close. She's a great friend; we have so much fun, we get along really well and we've been through a hell of a degree program that you just can't help but bond over. And maybe because of all that, what we talked about really got to me. She was telling me that she couldn't understand why people who have problems with their weight struggle so much. She said that she realized that what she was saying was really bad but she really just doesn't understand why fat people don't just stick to a diet and exercise given that if you just persevere it will totally work. And I appreciate the fact that she was being dead honest, that she knew what she was saying was insensitive but that she was admitting that she really didn't get it. But it doesn't change the fact that I was so hurt and insulted. See, the thing is that she doesn't think I'm fat, she thinks I'm average, and so she's talking about people who have problems with food, who lack willpower, blah, blah, blah and not realizing that she's completely dismissing every struggle, every problem that I have in regards to food, body image, and perception of self and others, etc. She had no idea that everything that she was saying about "those people" applied to me. I am one of those people!
I really didn't know what to say, I think I said a few things just to kind of point out some things that she wasn't taking into consideration and then I just changed the subject. I honestly didn't want to talk about it at all. A small part of me was angry and wanted to set her straight about a few things but really all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. I think I was so hurt and embarrassed that I didn't even notice that I was angry too. I don't know, I just feel sick about it. She's very, very petite. I know that sometimes even a size 0 petite is a little too big for her. She eats whatever she wants and she doesn't have that food obsessed mentality that I have. Food is just a non-issue for her, weight is a non-issue, and so she's so far removed from knowing what this is like, she can't even put herself in the shoes of someone who isn't as lucky as she is when it comes to this stuff. And maybe that's why I felt so horrible, I don't think she can understand. I think this stuff is so different from what her reality is that she'll never get it. She has never grown up a chubby little girl. She has never heard someone make a fat comment behind her back or dealt with those wonderfully ignorant people who say it straight to you. Like fat people don't have feelings or deserve to hear that shit. I just realize that this thing, this Fat has always played some huge (and at times horrible) role in my childhood and adulthood. That it is a big part of my history, sometimes feels like it overwhelms my present, and threatens my future. She just won't likely ever get that and I don't even feel like helping her "get it". That's not my fucking job.
Ok, so I know I just wrote this all in the heat of the moment. I hope it makes sense, I hope there's not too many typos, and I hope that I didn't just emotionally dump all over you all. I'm just pissed and hurt and well, Frustrated!
