New Foundfatland

First: I never, NEVER wear shorts. I live in one of the hottest places in the United States and I never show my legs in public. (Hence the reason I am a raving bitch during the dead heat of summer.) The only shorts I own are pajama shorts and shorts that I wear to clean the bathroom and that is the extent of my leg showing collection. Second: I do not own a full-length mirror. Every mirror in my house is from the thighs up or higher. My point? I go months without looking at a reflection of my bare legs. I never see my legs in any mirror when I’m wearing shorts around the house because none of my mirrors show that far down. When I’m in public where there may be a chance for a full-length mirror you can be damn sure that I have on pants that go all the way down to my shoes. I am like those women in Victorian days, “Don’t show anything! Not even an ankle! It’s improper!” Anyways, so here’s what happened. On Saturday I was getting ready for the wedding in our hotel room. I was bent over blow-drying my hair when I happened to catch a glimpse of my reflection in the full-length closet mirror behind me. I don’t think I could have come up with a more unflattering pose to view the glory that is my gigantic ass and big fat pale cellulite-y legs even if I had tried. Wow! I knew my lower body was my main “problem area” but wow! How did I get pockets of fat behind my knees? I mean I know why. I know that it comes from eating too much and exercising too little. I mean why and when did it choose to accumulate on the backs of my knees? I really had no idea that it looked that rippled and fatty back there. It was like discovering new fat! Well, “discovering” new fat in the same way that Columbus “discovered” the new world, in which the whole vast expanse of it was already there existing, just not previously seen. I guess I have been in denial about the fact that from the back, my legs look like stuffed sausages. Note to self: Begin steady regimen of donkey kicks!