How Is Lard A Main Ingredient?

Hello everyone, I’m home from Oklahoma City and I have missed you all! I spent this whole morning reading everyone’s blogs just to find out what everyone has been up to. My vacation was crazy; we squeezed so much into four days that I am just exhausted and I feel like I have been gone for a lot longer. Overall, I did well this vacation. I tried to eat healthy for the most part and when I did eat non-nutritional food, I enjoyed it, savored it and didn’t overdo it. I kept my portion size intact, even if I did have “bad” food. I had ice cream on Saturday but I had a one-scoop sundae and not the three-scoop family size portion that I normally would gravitate towards. I only ate meals and didn’t spend the days grazing on snacks (very unusual for me!) The best thing is, I only ate crappy food on Saturday and Sunday. By Sunday night, I was looking for a salad because my poor body was tired of the fried crap that I was eating. Even though I didn’t eat very much, the food just made me feel bloated and tired and so it was easy to go back to making healthier choices. For me, this is a huge accomplishment! I tend to be an all or nothing eater. I always have this, “Well I’ve blown it now, I guess I better eat it all” attitude. The fact that I was so controlled this week and didn’t eat to the point of sickness leads me to calling this one a success! Even though there was a lot of positive this week, of course there were also the “negative fat girl” moments. On Friday night we went to a Mexican restaurant. The restaurant brought out chips, salsas, bean dip, cheese dip, guacamole and fresh tortillas as a starter. I’ve been to a lot of Mexican restaurants but I’ve never seen one bring out this much food as the complimentary appetizer! I really didn’t want to eat any of this stuff because I was trying to limit my crappy eating to the weekend. As everyone else was digging in, I tried to find something reasonably healthy on the menu. Everything was cooked in lard, deep-fried and oversized. I looked around the table at everybody happily eating, laughing and talking and for one moment I just had this little pity party for myself. Why was I the only one at the table struggling? I was just struck by the irony that I was the only one not eating and the only one with a weight problem. I guess maybe it was envy that I felt. Envy that there are other people who don’t have these weird issues. For some people in this world, food is not an enemy. For some people when they’re invited out to eat, there’s no feelings of dread, no pep talk to stay strong, no feelings of guilt when there’s failure. I’m so used to the relationship that I have with food that it’s hard for me to imagine what it must be like to deal with food in a normal way. What is it like when food is not this symbolic thing, when it’s not a foe to struggle and fight against everyday? Food for me is a passion, a tempter, a traitor, a comforter, a false friend. What would it be like if food was just food? I can admit this to you guys: For one small, split second, I wanted to cry. Now granted I was jetlagged, I hadn’t eaten all day and I just had the week from hell at work and was suffering from serious lack of sleep. Yet that crying feeling really was there. I felt really mad at myself for being such a big baby and of course I did the old, “Boy that’s pathetic that the fat girl wants to cry because she can’t eat crappy food” thoughts at myself but then I realized that it was more than that. I felt like crying because it was just another reminder of how sometimes I just want to be like “normal” people. I just want to be able to go to a restaurant, order something and eat it. No guilt, no pressure, no explanations to others as to why I eat what I eat, no helpful suggestions from people who have never had a weight problem. It was the idea that no one could possibly know what I was going through. Anybody at that table would have just seen the happy, smiling Lynne. No one could have possibly guessed the crazy emotions beating against my chest and ringing in my head as I sat and joked along with everyone else. I guess it was just from feeling tired of having to feel this every time I encounter any situation involving food. I actually ended up ordering grilled chicken breast marinated in limejuice, replaced the lard cooked beans and rice with a side salad and passed the tortillas to the rest of the table. In the end, a very successful choice considering all that I was up against. After I ate I was so satisfied and proud of myself. How sad that my emotions can bounce around so much! I guess Friday night just showed me how far I still have to go mentally (and how important sleep is to emotional well being!)