You Gotta Fight For Your Right To (Pity) Party
Last night we went to a going away party for a friend of my husband. I’d actually been kind of reluctant to go because the last time I had seen many of the people at this party I weighed twenty pounds less than I do now. Why is that the first thing I ever think about when a social event comes up? Anytime social events arise, the first thing I think about is how much weight I’ve gained. I really hate that I think like this; it makes me angry with myself. Why is it important to me? Why do I care what people may think of me? I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around it and I think that it’s more than just worrying about what other people think. It’s more like it reminds me of just how out of hand I let things get. Since I last saw these people, I gained like forty pounds and even with the weight I’ve taken off, I’m still sitting twenty pounds heavier than what I was. Why this matters to me so much, I really don’t know. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m so overly sensitive or narcissistic to think that my weight matters to others around me but it’s a true feeling that I experience so I won’t hold back from telling you all that I do indeed feel it. I know it’s silly and I know it’s unhealthy but as I was putting on my makeup last night I couldn’t help feeling bad about myself and thinking that no amount of mascara was going to hide what I’ve done to my poor body over the last year. I don’t know, my poor body deserves better. It deserves to be filled with good food, receive exercise and sleep and rest. It doesn’t need to be force fed crap, stretched out of shape by emotional eating and it certainly doesn’t need me beating it up mentally yet these are things that I have repeatedly done to it for years now. Grrr. Sorry, I’m yucky today. I’ll try to wake up tomorrow my happy, positive self but for some reason this weekend I have been rolling around in my own self-loathing. Maybe what I need is a nice hot bath to try and wash some of it off!
posted by Lynne @ 6:22 PM
5 Comments:
Everyone who has ever gone to a 20th high school reunion has walked a mile in your shoes, girlfriend. You know, it's easy to say, "I shouldn't care" but, I don't know, I'm not sure I agree with that. Not that it's good to be down on yourself ALL the time, but (I'm probably not going to express myself well, so please bear with me) if there are never times when you look yourself in the mirror and don't like the person standing there, where would the impetus to grow come from? I suppose some people are drawn to personal growth because it's so darn attractive, but I think the largest majority of us grow because we're moving AWAY from something at least as much as TOWARD something. We grow from pain, from shame, from (gasp! that politically incorrect word!) guilt, much more than from happiness. Negative emotions have their place in our lives. That's my story, and I'm sticking with it. (I don't know if it was in any way helpful, and no, I'm not encouraging wallowing!)
Another aspect of "I shouldn't care" is that it seems to imply that we should exist in society without being impacted by it. What a poor community that would be, if it were full of people who gave not one whit for others' opinions. Obviously, you can take that too far, but I think as Americans we carry individualism too far. We needn't be dependent, but neither should we be independent. Interdependent is the word I'm looking for, I think. Caring for each other and supporting each other and sometimes that includes saying the hard things.
What else is a blog for, if not to say how you really feel? It's our choice whether we read or not, so you go ahead and let it all out!
Just think, NEXT time you see these people you'll have lost even more weight and they'll all think how great you look.
When I started losing weight I promised myself I wouldn't regret the past, but embrace my healthy new future.
If it's any consolation I do the same thing. I think it's because I am so obsessed with weight, that I am always checking other people out and so I guess I assume everyone must do the same. But when I am rational about it (if I can manage that) I know they don't. If anyone does, he or she is another 'one of us' if you will, and so an ally! A non-judging sibling in struggle. Anyway - 99% of people won't notice at all (which if the party is smaller than 100 is no one). And like you say - who cares anyway. You are a very lovely girl - I'm sure you look great even if you don't feel that way right now. Don't be downhearted! You will get to a weight you are more comfortable with soon - you've done well to drop 20 pounds!
Hey, Lynne...you're human. We ALL do that, no matter what people will confess. One can't NOT care what others think about them to some degree. That all being said, focus on how wonderfully you've been doing...20 pounds is a lot! You should be very proud of yourself because THAT'S hard work, and you're doing it!
First I'd like to say that I admire you for taking up the challenge and turning your life around.I stumbled across this blog in my search for support,and its great to read other people's stories and know that we all feel the same,and as you said,are not alone.
I'm 19,but I rarely go out.If I do,I feel inadequate the entire night,surrounded by people my age having fun flirting,drinking and dancing.I won't dance with a guy because I am so self concious.I have male friends who try to get me to dance,but I worry too much about what everyone else thinks.
Of course everyone worries about what other people think.You're definately normal and not alone.
The thing I find hard to deal with after a party/night clubbing/social event is my own battered sense of self.I'm trying to lose weight,we'll see how i go...but anyway,I'm waffling.
Once again,good on you.Dont give up,you deserve to feel like you are your best self (to steal form Oprah ;)
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