Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

Mondays kick my ass. I work all day and then go directly to school from 4pm until 9:45pm and don't get home until almost 10:30 at night. I usually try to eat something at 3:00 before I leave work for school and then I usually get some caffeine (in the form of diet cherry coke) at around 8:00 so as to avoid a school-induced coma. I don't eat during class and usually end up starving by the time I get home. Yes, I know you're asking, "Why not just eat something during class?" Well, I'll tell you why. I'm a big ol' freak about eating in front of people. I just rarely ever do it in general and I especially never, ever do it at school. At work it's ok, I'll sit and munch on some almonds or a cup of yogurt at my own desk in my own private corner but I just can't do it in class. Yes, I know that's crazy talk but here's why. My grad school program is a very action-oriented, participation-required program. Most classes are set up with us sitting our chairs in a circle or if we are at desks, they're arranged in a square format to make it very easy to see and talk to one another. Which I guess is great for the spirit of the program but also makes me feel very self-conscious when I'm sitting there. I always like to keep my notebook on my lap so I can "hide" behind it and I often wonder if the people sitting across from me are staring at how my thighs totally spill over the sides of the chair. These are the kinds of thoughts that just race through my mind! When I’m being that body conscious, I can’t even imagine eating. To make matters worse, there’s a café on campus that is about ten feet away from the door to our classroom. It’s not just any run of the mill café, either! They have a Burger King, Pizza Hut and Sandwich shop in addition to all the cookies, candies and other junk they sell. A good majority of my classmates usually buy their dinner from the shop and they end up eating it during class. In fact, due to us being in those classes from 4 until almost 10, everybody is either snacking or having full on meals during the beginning of our 8:00 class. Except me. No, not me. I can’t imagine eating in front of everybody. I always get these really crazy fatgirl thoughts. I think that if I were to eat crap food, then everybody would be secretly thinking, “No wonder she’s so fat! Look how she eats!” and if I were to eat healthy, nutritious food, then everybody would be secretly thinking, “Hmm, why is she so fat if she eats that healthy? She’s probably on a diet (which she needs!) and yet she’s still as fat as the first day of school! I guess it’s not working for her or even more likely, I bet she cheats when no one’s looking!” I realize that this is all in my imagination, nobody really cares what I’m eating but even just drinking my diet cherry coke can sometimes evoke the “Do you drink diet because you’re on a diet?” question which leads to my paranoid mind believing that people are thinking all sorts of things about me. On top of this, I am always afraid of the whole chance of getting food stuck in my teeth/crumbs on my mouth/yucky breath/spilling food in front of everyone, etc… So I just avoid that whole situation and even though I know no one even remotely gives a rat’s ass about my eating habits, I end up starving. What is it about being fat/dieting that makes you a narcissist? It's almost like you focus so much on yourself: your food, your body, your triggers, your emotions, that you become paranoid with the belief that others must be thinking about these things too.