Making Molehills Out of Mountains

I went hiking yet again this weekend. It was awesome! We did a six-mile loop, activity level strenuous, in about three hours. My legs were jelly and the last mile and a half was uphill; for a while I felt like I wouldn’t make it. But I did and I’m really proud of that. Next weekend, two days after Thanksgiving, we’re going camping. I figure that’s a good way to avoid eating myself into a coma with holiday leftovers and that going out to do some really awesome hikes will be enough to undo Thanksgiving damage and to get me right back on track with my weight loss efforts. I’ve been thinking about what a hard time I had this year weight loss wise. I got side tracked around the holidays last year and just never really got this back on to my list of priorities. It was high on my wants and needs list but hardly ever featured on my actively doing list. So many other things just came up and got in the way. And I guess that’s ok in the sense that I’ve really accomplished a lot for myself school-wise and career-wise and I’m glad I made the investment. But getting my weight and fitness back to a level that I’m more comfortable with is really something that I need to turn a lot of attention to. I’m sick of being aware of how uncomfortable I am but continuously delaying doing something about it. I just feel that now that I’ve finally got my focus back I’m dealing with the mother of all weight loss de-railers: The Holidays. I want to survive the next few months with a semblance of normality. I want to thoroughly enjoy the season and the festivities without letting go of my long term goals. I want the ultimate achievement: partake in the merriment AND still lose weight. Is this even possible? I don’t know if it is. In times past I was able to do that but losing weight was simpler for me. I had more to lose and along with that more room to error. But now that I’ve gotten into the battle of these last fifteen or so pounds, everything is important. Every little thing counts. A couple of years ago I could slip up a few days, gain a few pounds, but three or four days of being back on plan would undo the gain. But now it seems that one slip undoes weeks worth of work and I can’t have enough “good” days in a row to get further than breaking even. In fact when I look back over the past half year I see that most of my work has been weight maintenance even though I was putting in weight loss effort. It’s very discouraging and weighs heavy on the morale after a while. Regardless of that I’m still determined to do this even if I just have to accept that part of this process is the natural fact that it gets harder and harder the closer you get and so you have to be prepared for frustrations and feeling discouraged. Anyways, so that’s where I’m at with things right now: experimenting with the fierce kick-ass wilderness chick inside of me and trying to balance her needs with the fierce grumpy couch-potato chick that’s also inside me!

It Doesn’t Take Much

This Saturday I went hiking with my husband and our little dog. This is probably the first real exercise I’ve had in months. I felt like a newbie out there, I was out of breath walking on the flat part of the trail before we even hit the first hill. My husband had no problem with it and even my five pound little dog was way ahead of me, looking back every once in a while with a, “Come on! Pick up the pace!” expression on his face. But I stumbled my way all the way up and down that trail and oh did it feel good! I forgot how it’s an oddly pleasing feeling when it seems like your legs are burning and rubbery. I also forgot how good it feels when you’re out on a cool day and your body is warm because of the exertion but you can feel that cool, crisp air in your lungs. I just love that feeling! We only hiked two miles total but it was enough to wear me out. I so needed it, it reminded me of how good it feels to be using your body and pushing it to its limits. I’ve spent the last few months so focused on my mind that I forgot how good it feels to get up and use every muscle you’ve got. Lately it’s like my body has been an after thought or mostly it’s working against me not for me. But I know that this is what I needed. It didn’t take much, but just reaching for my tennis shoes instead of the Chinese take out menu felt good and has put me in a whole different frame of mind.

Weigh To Go! Part 21

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9

August's Weigh-In: 144.3

September's Weigh-In: 145.2

October's Weigh-In: 147.8

Ok, I didn’t mean to skip out on the entire month of October. I’ve been studying since September for a major comprehensive exam that I need to pass in order to get my degree and so for the last month all I’ve done is study in every spare moment I’ve gotten. Thankfully over the weekend I took the exam and now I’m just sitting around waiting to hear if I passed it. As you can see by the numbers, things just have kind of been steady. And when I say steady I mean a steady increase in the direction of up. It’s terrible folks. When my life gets busy like it has lately everything goes on the back burner. And when I get stressed out, like I did over this exam that is testing the knowledge I’ve spent three year accumulating, I throw everything out the window and focus solely on what needs to be done and eating goes out of control and is sometimes used as comfort or a de-stressor. The biggest problem with this is that after the dust has settled and I survive whatever stressful challenge I’ve been dealing with, I have to face whatever damage I’ve done poundage-wise. And that’s where I’m at now. I’m flirting with the 150 mark; something I haven’t done since May/June of 2006 but during that time it was a downward trend. I can’t believe that around this time last year I only weighed 134. I really don’t want to undo all the hard work that I put in. I keep saying this and now it’s time to really make an effort to do something about it. So, where to begin…

Ok, So I Should Actually Have A Plan, Right?

So last week I was talking about how I’ve developed the habit of being “good” on weekdays and then just totally pigging out on weekends and I want to stop doing that. The problem is, how? I need to not think of the weekends as a crazy free for all. But I also need to give myself some room to be human. I think I’m so rigid in my thinking that there needs to be room in my plan for doing what other people do and being able to go out to dinner with friends or family without feeling like it’s the end of the world and an excuse to eat like there’s no tomorrow. Take for instance this weekend. Tomorrow night I’m going to dinner with my friends and then on Saturday the husband wants to go to lunch at a certain restaurant known for its ridiculously oversized portions and whose approach seems to be that you haven’t lived until you’ve eaten a burger the size of your head. I should still be able to go to these places, right? You can live a normal life without becoming a hermit and shunning all social occasions while losing weight, right? Well unfortunately the first thing that my little brain jumps to is, “Fuck it. I’ll be eating like shit tomorrow and Saturday, why not just start now and begin anew on Monday?” As I am typing this right now, the guys are outside my office door eating pizzas that they had delivered along with a huge flat sheet cake. It’s not even anyone’s birthday; this is honest to goodness a typical Thursday lunch for them. And I’m just sitting here thinking, “What to do? What to do?” because I have not yet learned the art of moderation. I’m either super in control or completely without it when it comes to food. So I need to change my mindset and I need a plan to live like a “normal” person but still accomplish the goals I have. And honestly, right now I’m at a loss as to how to go about doing this.

The Biggest Hurdle

The hardest thing for me lately has been weekends. I used to actually get my best exercise workouts in on the weekends but that hasn’t happened for a few months. I think it’s because I’m so busy during the week that come Friday night, Saturday and Sunday I just want to lay on my couch and do nothing. Also, where I live it is as hot as the surface of the sun and I really don’t want to do anything but find ways to stay cool and avoid heat stroke. (Yeah, that’s one of my many excuses.) The worst part though is my weekend eating habits. I eat really healthy and balanced all week. It actually has proved to be pretty easy because I’m so busy with work, my internship, and classes that I plan meals for the day, take those items with me, and stay so busy that I don’t have time for additional snacking. But sometime this summer I picked up the habit of staying on target during the weekdays and then going crazy on the weekends. I think it started because it seems like there’s something big going on every weekend that’s food related whether it’s dinner with the family, a birthday, a get together with friends, or a vacation. And I often use that excuse, “Well I’ll be eating like crap on (fill in the day) so I might as well eat like crap this whole weekend and start anew on Monday.” And I’ve been using that excuse every weekend since around June to justify eating well for four days and then binge-eating for three. This is also part of my “I’m so busy, I deserve a little break. I’m going to treat myself to (fill in the blank with whatever fast food I’m craving at the moment)." And obviously this is the reason why my weight has pretty much stayed the same over the last few months. But more than that, this is an unhealthy habit and I don’t want to have it anymore. This is related to my whole “good” food / “bad” food mindset and after thinking about it, I’ve decided that it’s time to tackle it because it’s not doing me any good. In fact, it’s brought me to a standstill and just makes me plain unhappy.

Weigh To Go! Part 20

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 July’s Weigh-In: 139.8 August’s Weigh-In: 144.3 Umm, hi. I feel like I’m crawling back here with my head down after having disappeared for so long. I know that it’s been almost a month since I posted and here I’m barely getting around to posting a weigh-in for August. I just don’t know where the time goes guys! I’m into my absolute last class of my degree, working my regular job, and putting in thirty or so hours at my internship site. It has been just madness but I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. It’s September already and I only have to make it the next four months to December and I will be able to graduate and get my career going. Very exciting, very time consuming all of this, but I’m afraid my poor little blog has suffered because of my limited time and I’m really afraid that there isn’t anyone even reading this anymore. Hi and I’m sorry I’ve been MIA if you’re still here! I’ve really missed you all and I’m hoping that from now on I’ll be around more often. Getting to “talk” to you guys and keep up on your journeys helps me stay focused and when I don’t get to do it, as you can see by the above numbers, things often start to go south. All eating and no exercise makes Lynne a fat girl. So I’m making a big effort to get back into things. I really hate to feel so bad about myself and uncomfortable in my own body. It really sucks that when I get swamped or overwhelmed one of the first things to go is my consciousness about my health and habits. I think I just have to remember that no matter how many things I’m juggling at once I can’t drop the ball on this, so to speak.

Apparently, Smug Goes Before A Fall

So the past few days kicked my ass unfortunately. It started out harmlessly enough, we went to a friend’s birthday party on Saturday night and it was catered with awesome Chinese food. So I ate. Then Sunday we went to dinner with friends at the Olive Garden. And I ate some more. It wasn’t that bad, it’s not like I think that actively trying to lose weight means that I’m never allowed to just eat a regular meal without worrying about it’s calorie content. The problem is that I have the tendency when I spend two days eating for pleasure to find myself on day three fantasizing about what wonderful possibilities there are to eat that day and maybe the next and so on and so forth. And this is why yesterday I had brownies for breakfast, a huge order of pad thai for lunch, jack in the box for dinner, and a hot fudge sundae for dessert. Just because. I had no other reason other than I felt like it. Luckily today I felt like getting back on plan. Eating like that makes me uncomfortable, bloated, lethargic, you name it. So today I once again have all my healthy goodies. I’m more of a slight bitch than a smug one but I’m climbing my way back up the self-satisfied ladder!