Ramblings And Musings

My postings have been a bit sporadic lately. Things have been hectic for me and they’re just finally starting to settle down now. I’ve been meaning to write but I’ve spent more time just contemplating this whole weight thing and haven’t been able to form any cohesive thoughts to put down; so instead of rambling on about nothing I’ve just been silent. Yet today I had some thoughts that however random they are, I felt I wanted to write down. Today was beautiful outside. For the first time in weeks the temperature was well below the 100’s and it was wonderfully overcast. I love the smell of rain on the breeze; it happens so little where I live so the pup and I spent some time just sitting out in the backyard and enjoying it. These are often the best conditions for me to just sit and let my thoughts go. I was thinking that it’s hard to balance thinking of the long-term with the short-term. You have to keep remembering your goals and why you want to keep plodding ahead while at the same time remembering to take every day one step at a time. Take for instance today. I did my usual work out and tracked my meals in my food journal, a big gold star for today. But all these birthday dinners and lunches did their damage earlier this week. Even though my calories never exceeded 2,000 and I exercised like a fiend I feel about five pounds heavier and my shirts and pants feel so tight across my stomach. It doesn’t even feel like bloat or water retention. It feels like a couple of days of bad eating that now has to be corrected. Even worse than that, I’m fighting the temptation to keep eating all these rich, heavy foods. I still haven’t learned how to incorporate a little indulgence into my life. After all these years of doing this, I still have this attitude of either staying on track or careening off into binge land. It’s hard to remember that each day is a new day. Some will be successful and some will present themselves as little setbacks. I just keep dwelling on how those few days throw me out of the zone and now I have to work twice as hard to get back into it. I keep telling myself that the important thing is that I’m still exercising and tracking my meals and that this is a success in itself. But even though it has become a habit for me to do these things, I still find that everyday presents itself as a new challenge to “do the right thing”. It becomes daunting to know that tomorrow will be the same challenge, and the next day, and a month from now, and really let’s face it, a lifetime. Twenty years from now I will probably still be dealing with some aspect of my weight. Even after reaching goal, maintenance is a challenge in itself and I will probably always be prone to this struggle. No matter how many good habits I learn along the way, this will always require some effort. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic or like a big downer. An overwhelming majority of the days I feel more than up to the challenge but there are occasions, even when I’m probably still winning the fight, where I doubt just how up to it I really am. Most days I reflect on how far I’ve come but sometimes there are days where you just dwell on how far you have to go. Sometimes I feel a little weary of this journey and it scares me because I know I’m only half way there and worse yet that the next part of the trip may prove harder than this first half has been. Please don’t let my negativity get to you. I struggled with if I should even post this now or wait until tomorrow finds me with renewed dedication and optimism. But I figured this blog is about the whole journey, the ups and downs, the good the bad and the ugly. If anything, maybe you all can relate and in that sense, even on yucky days like today, I’m not alone.