From Lynne to Lean

Making Molehills Out of Mountains

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 21:44:00 +0000

I went hiking yet again this weekend. It was awesome! We did a six-mile loop, activity level strenuous, in about three hours. My legs were jelly and the last mile and a half was uphill; for a while I felt like I wouldn’t make it. But I did and I’m really proud of that. Next weekend, two days after Thanksgiving, we’re going camping. I figure that’s a good way to avoid eating myself into a coma with holiday leftovers and that going out to do some really awesome hikes will be enough to undo Thanksgiving damage and to get me right back on track with my weight loss efforts. I’ve been thinking about what a hard time I had this year weight loss wise. I got side tracked around the holidays last year and just never really got this back on to my list of priorities. It was high on my wants and needs list but hardly ever featured on my actively doing list. So many other things just came up and got in the way. And I guess that’s ok in the sense that I’ve really accomplished a lot for myself school-wise and career-wise and I’m glad I made the investment. But getting my weight and fitness back to a level that I’m more comfortable with is really something that I need to turn a lot of attention to. I’m sick of being aware of how uncomfortable I am but continuously delaying doing something about it. I just feel that now that I’ve finally got my focus back I’m dealing with the mother of all weight loss de-railers: The Holidays. I want to survive the next few months with a semblance of normality. I want to thoroughly enjoy the season and the festivities without letting go of my long term goals. I want the ultimate achievement: partake in the merriment AND still lose weight. Is this even possible? I don’t know if it is. In times past I was able to do that but losing weight was simpler for me. I had more to lose and along with that more room to error. But now that I’ve gotten into the battle of these last fifteen or so pounds, everything is important. Every little thing counts. A couple of years ago I could slip up a few days, gain a few pounds, but three or four days of being back on plan would undo the gain. But now it seems that one slip undoes weeks worth of work and I can’t have enough “good” days in a row to get further than breaking even. In fact when I look back over the past half year I see that most of my work has been weight maintenance even though I was putting in weight loss effort. It’s very discouraging and weighs heavy on the morale after a while. Regardless of that I’m still determined to do this even if I just have to accept that part of this process is the natural fact that it gets harder and harder the closer you get and so you have to be prepared for frustrations and feeling discouraged. Anyways, so that’s where I’m at with things right now: experimenting with the fierce kick-ass wilderness chick inside of me and trying to balance her needs with the fierce grumpy couch-potato chick that’s also inside me!

It Doesn’t Take Much

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 23:02:00 +0000

This Saturday I went hiking with my husband and our little dog. This is probably the first real exercise I’ve had in months. I felt like a newbie out there, I was out of breath walking on the flat part of the trail before we even hit the first hill. My husband had no problem with it and even my five pound little dog was way ahead of me, looking back every once in a while with a, “Come on! Pick up the pace!” expression on his face. But I stumbled my way all the way up and down that trail and oh did it feel good! I forgot how it’s an oddly pleasing feeling when it seems like your legs are burning and rubbery. I also forgot how good it feels when you’re out on a cool day and your body is warm because of the exertion but you can feel that cool, crisp air in your lungs. I just love that feeling! We only hiked two miles total but it was enough to wear me out. I so needed it, it reminded me of how good it feels to be using your body and pushing it to its limits. I’ve spent the last few months so focused on my mind that I forgot how good it feels to get up and use every muscle you’ve got. Lately it’s like my body has been an after thought or mostly it’s working against me not for me. But I know that this is what I needed. It didn’t take much, but just reaching for my tennis shoes instead of the Chinese take out menu felt good and has put me in a whole different frame of mind.

Weigh To Go! Part 21

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 19:00:00 +0000

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9

August's Weigh-In: 144.3

September's Weigh-In: 145.2

October's Weigh-In: 147.8

Ok, I didn’t mean to skip out on the entire month of October. I’ve been studying since September for a major comprehensive exam that I need to pass in order to get my degree and so for the last month all I’ve done is study in every spare moment I’ve gotten. Thankfully over the weekend I took the exam and now I’m just sitting around waiting to hear if I passed it. As you can see by the numbers, things just have kind of been steady. And when I say steady I mean a steady increase in the direction of up. It’s terrible folks. When my life gets busy like it has lately everything goes on the back burner. And when I get stressed out, like I did over this exam that is testing the knowledge I’ve spent three year accumulating, I throw everything out the window and focus solely on what needs to be done and eating goes out of control and is sometimes used as comfort or a de-stressor. The biggest problem with this is that after the dust has settled and I survive whatever stressful challenge I’ve been dealing with, I have to face whatever damage I’ve done poundage-wise. And that’s where I’m at now. I’m flirting with the 150 mark; something I haven’t done since May/June of 2006 but during that time it was a downward trend. I can’t believe that around this time last year I only weighed 134. I really don’t want to undo all the hard work that I put in. I keep saying this and now it’s time to really make an effort to do something about it. So, where to begin…

Ok, So I Should Actually Have A Plan, Right?

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 18:33:00 +0000

So last week I was talking about how I’ve developed the habit of being “good” on weekdays and then just totally pigging out on weekends and I want to stop doing that. The problem is, how? I need to not think of the weekends as a crazy free for all. But I also need to give myself some room to be human. I think I’m so rigid in my thinking that there needs to be room in my plan for doing what other people do and being able to go out to dinner with friends or family without feeling like it’s the end of the world and an excuse to eat like there’s no tomorrow. Take for instance this weekend. Tomorrow night I’m going to dinner with my friends and then on Saturday the husband wants to go to lunch at a certain restaurant known for its ridiculously oversized portions and whose approach seems to be that you haven’t lived until you’ve eaten a burger the size of your head. I should still be able to go to these places, right? You can live a normal life without becoming a hermit and shunning all social occasions while losing weight, right? Well unfortunately the first thing that my little brain jumps to is, “Fuck it. I’ll be eating like shit tomorrow and Saturday, why not just start now and begin anew on Monday?” As I am typing this right now, the guys are outside my office door eating pizzas that they had delivered along with a huge flat sheet cake. It’s not even anyone’s birthday; this is honest to goodness a typical Thursday lunch for them. And I’m just sitting here thinking, “What to do? What to do?” because I have not yet learned the art of moderation. I’m either super in control or completely without it when it comes to food. So I need to change my mindset and I need a plan to live like a “normal” person but still accomplish the goals I have. And honestly, right now I’m at a loss as to how to go about doing this.

The Biggest Hurdle

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 17:04:00 +0000

The hardest thing for me lately has been weekends. I used to actually get my best exercise workouts in on the weekends but that hasn’t happened for a few months. I think it’s because I’m so busy during the week that come Friday night, Saturday and Sunday I just want to lay on my couch and do nothing. Also, where I live it is as hot as the surface of the sun and I really don’t want to do anything but find ways to stay cool and avoid heat stroke. (Yeah, that’s one of my many excuses.) The worst part though is my weekend eating habits. I eat really healthy and balanced all week. It actually has proved to be pretty easy because I’m so busy with work, my internship, and classes that I plan meals for the day, take those items with me, and stay so busy that I don’t have time for additional snacking. But sometime this summer I picked up the habit of staying on target during the weekdays and then going crazy on the weekends. I think it started because it seems like there’s something big going on every weekend that’s food related whether it’s dinner with the family, a birthday, a get together with friends, or a vacation. And I often use that excuse, “Well I’ll be eating like crap on (fill in the day) so I might as well eat like crap this whole weekend and start anew on Monday.” And I’ve been using that excuse every weekend since around June to justify eating well for four days and then binge-eating for three. This is also part of my “I’m so busy, I deserve a little break. I’m going to treat myself to (fill in the blank with whatever fast food I’m craving at the moment)." And obviously this is the reason why my weight has pretty much stayed the same over the last few months. But more than that, this is an unhealthy habit and I don’t want to have it anymore. This is related to my whole “good” food / “bad” food mindset and after thinking about it, I’ve decided that it’s time to tackle it because it’s not doing me any good. In fact, it’s brought me to a standstill and just makes me plain unhappy.

Weigh To Go! Part 20

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 16:36:00 +0000

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 July’s Weigh-In: 139.8 August’s Weigh-In: 144.3 Umm, hi. I feel like I’m crawling back here with my head down after having disappeared for so long. I know that it’s been almost a month since I posted and here I’m barely getting around to posting a weigh-in for August. I just don’t know where the time goes guys! I’m into my absolute last class of my degree, working my regular job, and putting in thirty or so hours at my internship site. It has been just madness but I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. It’s September already and I only have to make it the next four months to December and I will be able to graduate and get my career going. Very exciting, very time consuming all of this, but I’m afraid my poor little blog has suffered because of my limited time and I’m really afraid that there isn’t anyone even reading this anymore. Hi and I’m sorry I’ve been MIA if you’re still here! I’ve really missed you all and I’m hoping that from now on I’ll be around more often. Getting to “talk” to you guys and keep up on your journeys helps me stay focused and when I don’t get to do it, as you can see by the above numbers, things often start to go south. All eating and no exercise makes Lynne a fat girl. So I’m making a big effort to get back into things. I really hate to feel so bad about myself and uncomfortable in my own body. It really sucks that when I get swamped or overwhelmed one of the first things to go is my consciousness about my health and habits. I think I just have to remember that no matter how many things I’m juggling at once I can’t drop the ball on this, so to speak.

Apparently, Smug Goes Before A Fall

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 19:16:00 +0000

So the past few days kicked my ass unfortunately. It started out harmlessly enough, we went to a friend’s birthday party on Saturday night and it was catered with awesome Chinese food. So I ate. Then Sunday we went to dinner with friends at the Olive Garden. And I ate some more. It wasn’t that bad, it’s not like I think that actively trying to lose weight means that I’m never allowed to just eat a regular meal without worrying about it’s calorie content. The problem is that I have the tendency when I spend two days eating for pleasure to find myself on day three fantasizing about what wonderful possibilities there are to eat that day and maybe the next and so on and so forth. And this is why yesterday I had brownies for breakfast, a huge order of pad thai for lunch, jack in the box for dinner, and a hot fudge sundae for dessert. Just because. I had no other reason other than I felt like it. Luckily today I felt like getting back on plan. Eating like that makes me uncomfortable, bloated, lethargic, you name it. So today I once again have all my healthy goodies. I’m more of a slight bitch than a smug one but I’m climbing my way back up the self-satisfied ladder!

Yep, Still A Smug Bitch

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 18:02:00 +0000

So I'm sitting here at work about to eat a bowl of cherries and I'm still all pleased with myself about all the good food choices that I've been making. In my lunch bag I brought more fruit, soup, oatmeal, some almonds, and a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. And not only am I sitting here gloating over my healthy goodies but I'm sitting here in a pair of pants that I have never worn before because I jumped on the buffet train the week I bought them and so have not fit into them all summer. Until today. Yay!

Smug Bitch

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 19:05:00 +0000

Ha ha! Yes, I am a smug bitch sometimes. So far this morning I’ve had a large fuji apple (they’re my favorite and they’re absolutely delicious!), a big bowl of strawberries, and a light yogurt. And I’ve got all kinds of little goodies in my lunch bag to last me until tonight; I’ve got lots more fruit and yogurt, a cup of soup, a 100-calorie snack pack and some oatmeal, some almonds, and a nice salad. It’s awesome. And it’s funny, because I crack myself up at how pleased with myself I get when I’m eating like this and actually enjoying it. I totally have a little smirk on my face! And that's what's funny. I can be all down on myself like I was feeling over the past few posts but when I do a couple of things that feel right and like they're in line with my goals, I just bounce right back. And that's good. It shows me what I constantly forget: just when I think I've given my all and I'm ready to give up, I find that I still have more fight in me.

Weigh To Go! Part 19

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 17:58:00 +0000

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 139.9 Yesterday’s Weigh-In: 139.8 Oh that frustrates me to no end! One month and I didn’t lose anything. But actually this doesn’t show the whole story because I spent the whole month of July gaining weight, and I know that at some point during the month I had blown past the 145 mark. At least I managed to lose enough to bring me back down to where I started. I’m not sure where to go from here. I see how far I’ve come and that there’s not that far for me to go but I honestly feel like I can’t do it. I don’t know, I’ll have to blog later in the week to tell you all where my head is at.

Still Hanging In There

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 18:38:00 +0000

I’m still trying to hang in there and do my best. Last week I had one pair of jeans that fit and I was feeling pretty depressed and kind of freaking out about what I should do next. I actually ended up doing something that I’ve only joked about doing; I called into work Fat. Ok, so I told them that I wasn’t feeling well and I needed to take a day off, which was sort of true since I was feeling so rundown after finals week, but really my biggest motivator for taking time off was the fact that I didn’t want to show up to work naked. So on Tuesday I called in fat and then I got through Wednesday and Thursday by wearing my only pair of jeans again. Screw it, I thought, everyone's in training this week (luckily) so no one is around to notice anyways. That got me safely to the weekend where I could kind of regroup my thoughts and focus on what to do about this whole situation. I’m happy to say that things are starting to look up a little. What I didn’t realize last week is that I was bloated from eating badly and PMS. Once I started exercising, eating right, and getting more sleep I managed to get myself back down to where I was pre-finals. So now I have clothes that “fit” again, although “fit” is in the eyes of the beholder, or more accurately in the comfort level of the wearer. So what to do next? I think Jen and Melissa are right; I need to go buy some stuff that I can actually wear comfortably just to get myself through this. I’m so stubborn though, I guess rebuying this stuff feels a little like admitting defeat and that’s why I’ve been so reluctant to actually do it. It’s just funny to me (funny ironic, definitely not funny ha ha), a few months ago I was somewhere around three pounds from my goal. At one point I was that close to hitting it. But it doesn’t really matter because it’s not about saying that I hit that one number that one time. No, I need to figure out how to not lose sight of the bigger picture. No matter how much I logically tell myself that this is about long term life changes, it’s about health and not appearance, I still get into this mindset that this is a problem that has an end result, a quick solution. I don’t know, I’m a pretty smart cookie but it never ceases to amaze me how I can be hit over the head with this point, think that I’ve finally got it figured out, and then be surprised when I revert back to that short-term, surface goal kind of thinking. Either way, like I said, I’m still here and I’m still trying. I think the important thing is that I’m not giving up. I still believe in myself and I still think that I’m worth it.

Hitting Rock Bottom

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 17:52:00 +0000

I have no choice but to really get serious and figure out what to do about my weight. I’ve basically been fucking around this entire year and I’m really paying for it now. Back in early December I was on a nice downward trend, the exercising was going well, and my size 4 pants and skirts were sitting a little loosely. I think it was around this time that I took all the clothes in my closet that were too big and I donated them. I also bought a lot of stuff to replace those things. Well, this morning I had a low moment. See, within the last few weeks I’ve become increasingly limited in what I can wear and it sucks because I’ve been down to a handful of items that I just keep rotating. I think those few items represent less than 10% of all the stuff in my closet and it’s annoying to stand in front of racks of clothes and know that you still have nothing to wear. Things have just been too tight and really uncomfortable and I’ve been miserable at work and school sitting for hours in clothes that barely fit. Well, I found something even worse than that. As of today, I have one pair of pants that fit. I donated all the stuff that I had in my current size because I didn’t want or think that I’d be right back here and all the stuff that I bought since then are a good couple of sizes too small. I am now down to one pair of dark wash jeans and a couple of ill-fitting blouses that are made for Fall or Spring weather. Just lovely, especially considering that it’s been hitting a hundred and fucking fifteen degrees everyday around here. I honestly don’t know what to do right now. Last week I worked on Monday and Tuesday and then we had Wednesday off for the fourth of July holiday. I took the rest of the week off as I had finals for school. Finals were incredibly stressful, I don’t think I’ve had this many big projects due at once for a while and I even skipped sleeping on Thursday. In the middle of trying to get through all of that I basically just sat around in sweat pants and ate without focus, without thinking. Big mistake and I knew it at the time but I just couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to stop myself. All I wanted to do was focus on school and nothing else and for some reason I always have this sick, twisted idea that eating what I want, when I want is being nice to me. So then this morning I go to put on professional clothes for work and they just no longer fit. What was I thinking? I knew that I was already teetering at the edge of fitting into this stuff and I just went ahead and jumped off that cliff without thinking. So I’m sitting here wearing jeans. I’m supposed to be wearing dress pants and instead I’m sitting here in denim jeans. Luckily my job is never super uptight about the dress code and I’m going to do some filing and office cleaning which justifies the choice to wear jeans but that’s only going to fool everybody for today. But what the hell am I going to do tomorrow? Ok guys, I'm seriously freaking out right now.

Weigh To Go! Part 18

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 05:20:00 +0000

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 144.8 Today’s Weigh-In: 139.9 Yay! I'm back (just barely) in the 130's again! I've been working out a couple times a week and I've been really good about the eating thing. I finally stopped those crazy weekend binges, they were killing all the good work that I was doing Monday through Friday. I think 136 is a magic number for me. I'd like to be lower but any higher than that and I'm very uncomfortable in my own body. I'm only four pounds away from that and feeling like myself again!

Aww, A Nice Pick Me Up For When I’m Down

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 18:02:00 +0000

The lovely and I must say talented Jeni nominated me as a Thinking Blogger! That is so sweet and needed because sometimes I think, “Is there anybody out there who enjoys reading this shit or are they humoring me by occasionally stopping by?” So it’s nice to know that I don’t stink! There are a lot of bloggers out there who I could tag with this award but I think the majority of the blogs I read have already been tagged. All I know is that the blogs that I read and comment on regularly deserve an award for what they do. I am constantly amazed by these incredible women who make me think everyday and I find you all so inspiring and wonderful. I think I could just go on and on about all of you. And speaking of “Thinking” I’ve been doing a lot of it lately. Mainly, why am I such a Negative Nancy and why have I only been able to put in mixed efforts into my weight loss instead of committing to it completely like I’ve done in the past. And I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that there’s so much craziness in my life right now. I’ve been keeping a really hectic work, school, and internship schedule. Right now I average more than 50 hours a week. It’s really hard to balance things like family and homework and job requirements when you’re just running on empty. Hell, it’s hard for me to find time to do laundry or check the mail! But one of the biggest things weighing on me (pun intended) is my internship. Without going too much into things the internship site has really not kept up their end of things for us students and it has put us in a situation where we’re worried about fulfilling the requirements for our degree. Somehow I’ve become the unofficial spokesperson for us and have been working with our department and site to rectify things. It’s been extremely stressful and uncertain and I think that when I feel that way about a really important thing it leaks into other areas of my life. I’m stressed, I eat. I’m tired, I eat. I feel bad for eating so much, I eat some more. Vicious cycle! But I’m trying to fix it guys, really I am. I have to remind myself that taking care of me doesn’t mean self-soothing myself with hot fudge sundaes. In the end I’m not really helping me at all, in fact I’m just digging a hole for myself. There just isn’t any quick solution or fast fix to some of this stuff and I need to learn to be ok with that. To sum it all up: Twinkies do not equal Solutions!

Argghh! (That's The Sound Of Complete Frustration)

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 00:35:00 +0000

So, so frustrated right now. I'll get to that in a minute though because first I want to update you all on how the Birthday weekend went. It was so nice, I really do love to celebrate birthdays! I totally dragged it out over the past few days too. You just have to milk it for all it's worth! I ate a little too much but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And then I woke up this morning and exercised and got right back on track, so overall I'm doing well and I really can say that I had a fantastic weekend. It was all worth it! Ok, now I have to talk about why I'm so upset. I just got back from dinner with a friend. Her and I have known each other for only about two years but we're very close. She's a great friend; we have so much fun, we get along really well and we've been through a hell of a degree program that you just can't help but bond over. And maybe because of all that, what we talked about really got to me. She was telling me that she couldn't understand why people who have problems with their weight struggle so much. She said that she realized that what she was saying was really bad but she really just doesn't understand why fat people don't just stick to a diet and exercise given that if you just persevere it will totally work. And I appreciate the fact that she was being dead honest, that she knew what she was saying was insensitive but that she was admitting that she really didn't get it. But it doesn't change the fact that I was so hurt and insulted. See, the thing is that she doesn't think I'm fat, she thinks I'm average, and so she's talking about people who have problems with food, who lack willpower, blah, blah, blah and not realizing that she's completely dismissing every struggle, every problem that I have in regards to food, body image, and perception of self and others, etc. She had no idea that everything that she was saying about "those people" applied to me. I am one of those people! I really didn't know what to say, I think I said a few things just to kind of point out some things that she wasn't taking into consideration and then I just changed the subject. I honestly didn't want to talk about it at all. A small part of me was angry and wanted to set her straight about a few things but really all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. I think I was so hurt and embarrassed that I didn't even notice that I was angry too. I don't know, I just feel sick about it. She's very, very petite. I know that sometimes even a size 0 petite is a little too big for her. She eats whatever she wants and she doesn't have that food obsessed mentality that I have. Food is just a non-issue for her, weight is a non-issue, and so she's so far removed from knowing what this is like, she can't even put herself in the shoes of someone who isn't as lucky as she is when it comes to this stuff. And maybe that's why I felt so horrible, I don't think she can understand. I think this stuff is so different from what her reality is that she'll never get it. She has never grown up a chubby little girl. She has never heard someone make a fat comment behind her back or dealt with those wonderfully ignorant people who say it straight to you. Like fat people don't have feelings or deserve to hear that shit. I just realize that this thing, this Fat has always played some huge (and at times horrible) role in my childhood and adulthood. That it is a big part of my history, sometimes feels like it overwhelms my present, and threatens my future. She just won't likely ever get that and I don't even feel like helping her "get it". That's not my fucking job. Ok, so I know I just wrote this all in the heat of the moment. I hope it makes sense, I hope there's not too many typos, and I hope that I didn't just emotionally dump all over you all. I'm just pissed and hurt and well, Frustrated!

Weigh To Go! Part 17

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Tue, 29 May 2007 22:36:00 +0000

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 132 Yesterday’s Weigh-In: 144.8 That's a gain of 12.8 pounds and it's about what I expected. I'm at that point where I'm anxious to get it off. I'm so uncomfortable in my clothes and as the weather keeps heating up (we hit triple digits last week) I really want to just get back on track. I did kinda okay over the holiday weekend, I didn't do great but I did manage to refrain from eating my house. Man, I can't believe that one crappy month can cause so much damage. I guess I just have to take it for what it is and get back at it.

One Step At A Time

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Wed, 23 May 2007 18:51:00 +0000

Well, I’ve tentatively been back at it for two days now. I feel better already just having some semblance of routine back and not feeling like I’m spiraling out of control anymore. I peeked at the scale this morning to see what the damage is. I usually only weigh in once a month officially but after a spectacular binge like the one I’m recovering from I always have a morbid curiosity to see just how much carnage has ensued from my little excursions into bingeland. The numbers aren’t pretty, people: 145 pounds. Now I’m hoping that some of that is bloat or water retention or basically anything but actual gained fat. Here’s why I’ve got my fingers crossed: Over the last three weeks I just couldn’t seem to keep my shit together, I’d go a couple days of being sensible and then lose it for a couple of days in a row. So if the 145 is an accurate number and I gained about 15 pounds, then according to my food journal I gained a pound for each day spent off the wagon. A pound for each day? That just doesn’t seem right or maybe what I mean is that it doesn’t seem fair! Either way, I’m trying to get back into it. I’m trying to take each day at a time and not worry about upcoming things. If I think about how over the next two and a half weeks I have multiple dinner get-togethers with friends and family, a holiday weekend full of all you can eat barbecues, or my birthday weekend at the beginning of June (in which the festivities usually stretch out over a four day or more period) then I’d get discouraged knowing that these are all times that I need to find some kind of balance and moderation. If anything I have to not think about any of that and only concentrate on each day as it comes. It reminds me of when you’re jogging and you see how far you have to go and it feels like you’ll never make it. Whenever that happens I sometimes find it easier to just put my head down and concentrate on each step, just putting one foot in front of the other. Then before you know it, you look up and the distance has gotten way smaller and you feel like you’ll make it to the end of that mile after all. I think I’ll use this same method with my eating over the next few weeks. I know I can do it but it’s just hard given my tendency to completely go off the deep-end anytime you say cake.

Starting Over Yet Again

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Mon, 21 May 2007 18:49:00 +0000

Well, I’m back at day one again. It started harmlessly enough. I went out to dinner with a friend and decided to order an entrée that is a favorite that I haven’t had in a long time because it’s more calories than is allotted in a day. Sure, I could have eaten half and then taken the rest home. I could have ordered a water with lemon instead of a regular coke. I could have said no thanks when my friend suggested that we order dessert. Hell, I could have suggested we share the dessert instead of us both ordering two different things just so we could try them both. But I didn’t and that’s how it innocently started. Then the next day I woke up and I kept going. My husband came home from being out of town for a week and I was excited to see him so I decided to celebrate with a huge meal and lots and lots of ice cream. Then the next day one of my really good friends came back into town and we decided to all get together for a girls lunch, and I thought hell I’d already blown it the last few days so I’ll order something that I really, really want and I’ll eat it all. And I did. And it didn’t stop after I left them and I got back home and that’s how I ended up eating homemade cookie dough all the way up until bedtime last night. Oh guys, even my big jeans are way too tight! Things are just not looking good.

I’m Such a Poseur

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Thu, 17 May 2007 05:44:00 +0000

So I got my act together Monday and today is day three of being back to normal. Boy was Monday rough! After ten days of eating like a maniac it was so hard to go back to eating sensibly. And that really bothers me, I eat very well everyday and I’ve been at it for a long time. But it’s still not my true, natural way of eating. When left to my own devices I still overeat, snack way too much, and make bad choices. Co-workers, friends, family members always comment on what a healthy eater I am. I feel like that’s all a lie. I’m a fat girl pretending to eat well for weeks or even months at a time but deep down inside my eating habits aren’t really any different. I don’t know if that will ever change. I always read other bloggers who have really embraced eating healthy and exercising. They do it just for the sheer joy of doing it. But I don’t, I still exercise and eat healthy as a means to an end. I do it for the benefits only and I’d stop doing it tomorrow if weight loss and health were possible without it. I don’t know, maybe this is all just the detox talking! Either way, it doesn’t mean I’m going to give up. I’ll still find my way. And I know that everyday back to normal gets just a little bit easier.

Rebel Without A Cause (To Stop Eating)

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Sun, 13 May 2007 03:15:00 +0000

I need to stop eating. This is just ridiculous. I just got back from spending a week in Southern Utah and in addition to enjoying the weather and the views, I ate way, way too much. I don’t know if it was the rustic cabin in the woods setting or what but the meals I ate were fit for a mountain man. I guess no tv, no internet, no telephone equals eating for entertainment. So now I’m home and I still can’t stop. My husband left to be out of town for another week today and I’ve spent the day eating ice cream, chips, drinking real coke (as opposed to diet) and my dinner consisted of a double bacon cheeseburger and large curly fries meal. To be honest, I’m eating cookie dough as we speak. And I know I shouldn’t be but I just want to and I can’t seem to scrape up enough desire to stop doing it right now. I know that some of you have written about sneak eating. I rarely ever do it anymore but as long as I can remember there have been times where I would binge eat when I’m alone. I used to love to be by myself, just me and my favorite food friends. Some people when they were teenagers would have big parties while their parents were out of town. My rebellion was inviting the $1 value menu home when I had the house to myself. I honestly can tell you that I have no idea why I do it. Growing up, my parents never monitored my eating habits or restricted what or when I could or couldn’t eat. My eating habits and food preferences were really a non-issue. Yet despite this, I have always loved to sneak eat by myself. Maybe it’s if no one sees it then it really didn’t happen? I don't know who I think I'm fooling because if I continue on like this, both my wallet and jeans will tell on me.

Weigh To Go! Part 16

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Thu, 03 May 2007 19:52:00 +0000

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 132.2 Yesterday’s Weigh-In: 132 First of all, thanks guys for all your kind comments on the last post. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one walking through the stores thinking, “WTF?!” So with all my bitching and moaning I forgot to post my weight for April. 132 isn’t bad. Like I had mentioned a few posts ago, I really feel like I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds. I start around the low 130’s at the beginning of the month, gain a couple of pounds and then take them off just in time for end of the month weigh in. It’s a little bit frustrating but at least I’m maintaining in a sense. The only problem is that it’s unintentional maintenance. I’m actively trying to lose weight and yet at the end of the month all I have to show for it is breaking even. How is it in a 30 day month I can have 28 “good” days and then two bad ones and those 28 days seem to count for nothing? Ok, ok, I bitched and whined last post. I won’t do that again with this one! It’s not about numbers, right? This is worth so much more than that, I know. But sometimes you seriously think to yourself, WTF?! Hmm, that seems to be a recurring theme in my life lately…

Warning: I Am About To Be “Negative Nancy” All Over This Place

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Tue, 01 May 2007 18:49:00 +0000

Hi. Ok, I know a fat blog is about weight loss and all its ups and downs and not just a place to bitch and gripe but I really need to be a big, whiny baby right now. Please indulge me. So yesterday was my second year anniversary and it started off wonderfully. We both had the day off and had slept late and were just sitting around watching tv. I should have just kept on doing that. But instead I decided that my husband and I should take a trip to the mall. He had given me a gift certificate so I thought it would be really nice to stroll around the shops to burn a few calories before our big fancy dinner and maybe I’d even find something pretty to buy to wear that night. Well, after a couple of hours I just wanted to get the hell out of there before I burst into tears. What is with the new styles of clothing this season? All that shit looks the same and I can’t wear any of it. Everything seems to have that high empire waist and then a ton of material billowing out from it. I look pregnant in that crap! Everything is also way too long. It hits me right at my saddlebag thighs and makes my hips, thighs, and ass look huge. It draws so much attention to that area of my body that I am only one step away from pointing arrows and blinking lights strung around my ass. Then the sleeves are very short and full of elastic. The stuff I was trying on made my arms look like sausages in a tourniquet. You couldn’t design a more unflattering fit for my specific body type if you tried. I don’t know what I did to piss off the fashion industry but I’m thinking that the new trends are some kind of cruel personal shot at me. Yes, a few hours in a mall have made me paranoid. So I tried not to get too down after we left the mall empty handed. I was determined to go and have a nice, romantic dinner at this really beautiful restaurant. The view was incredible, the service was awesome, and the food was so, so good. Until towards the end of the meal I felt like I was going to vomit. Tell me if this has happened to any of you but I’d say within the last two years I’ve eaten more healthy than I ever have before and it’s actually affected my ability to eat rich, fried, heavy food. I have had a handful of times where I have actually gotten sick and been throwing up because the food was just too heavy for me. We actually had to rush the check and then drive home as fast as possible because I was afraid I was going to be sick like I have in previous times. I made it home but all our plans for that evening were ruined as I lay in my room in the dark trying not to throw up. Guys, I was (and am) just so disappointed with yesterday. Evidentially, according to store standards, I am too fat to fit into today’s new trends. I am supposedly so oddly shaped that they don’t even make clothes for girls that look like me. Yet because I have done so much to get healthy like eating only natural foods and 70 to 80 percent of my diet being fresh veggies and fruit, and trying to eat only whole grains, nuts, and cutting out all oil, fat, butter, etc. my body can’t handle something that’s been deep fried and covered in a sugar-based sauce. I get sick when I eat too many carbohydrates mixed with sugar and oil. There’s something about that mixture that is poison to my system. That’s some ironic shit: too fat for trendy clothes, too healthy for crap food.

Hey! April Hasn't Been A Total Wash!

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 17:43:00 +0000

It’s already April 26th! Where has the month gone? Well, the ongoing saga of our broken laptop computer continues. It came back earlier in the week only to freak out again and so back to the shop it went. Supposedly, it’s coming home on Saturday for good. I’ll believe it when it happens. So where do I begin to catch you up on how April has gone? Well, I’ve been frantically working on a paper over the past month and that’s been chewing up most of my free time. This is the first draft of what will eventually be my thesis so I’ve put every spare moment into it. Luckily all the previous work that I had been doing on it was recovered off the laptop so thankfully I was able to finish it by this week’s deadline. I couldn’t justify posting on this blog or surfing other blogs when I had a quiet moment because I knew that I had to dedicate that time to my paper. But I finished it today and so now I’m ready to get back into Fatblogland. I have missed you all! As far as exercise goes, I’ve been actually doing pretty well. I exercise in the morning a few days a week before work. I can’t believe that I’ve actually stuck to that given how I feel about early rising. Some days I’ve just been too tired and I’ll sleep in but I always set my alarm early and make the best effort I have to get up and get at it. I’ve also started jogging at a track at a park near my house on the weekends. I still want to participate in my city’s marathon in December so that’s been helping in just giving me a way to judge how many miles I can actually run instead of guesstimating like I’ve always done in the past. So big gold star for me there! As far as the eating goes, it’s going alright too. My pattern seems to be that I am fine on “normal” weeks but get screwed up every time we have a little blip in the schedule. Like I was doing well and then we went on vacation to San Diego and I had to spend a few weeks taking off those extra pounds. Then I started losing and along came Easter and another week or so of taking of that weight. And now Monday is my wedding anniversary (Yay! Two years! I can’t believe how fast it goes by!) and there will definitely be some eating complete with dessert at our favorite restaurant. Then the second week of May we’re going to spend a week at a cabin in Utah. I always have the best of intentions but I have yet to make it through a vacation without losing my mind and eating everything in sight. It’s just hard to keep losing and gaining the same three to five pounds over and over again. I just feel like all this hard work of exercising and really making sure I eat right is just damage control between holidays and vacations. Oh well, it is what it is and I just have to keep at it. Either way, it’s good to be back. I can’t wait to see what you all have been doing. Like I said before, I have really missed you guys!

I’m Not MIA

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:18:00 +0000

I’m not MIA, but the hard drive to my computer is. We’ve been waiting for a few weeks now for them to finish retrieving all the important information on it (I swear it’s like my life is in that computer, from school work to important papers to all my favorite blog links, the list goes on and on) and then they’ll do whatever fancy computer tech stuff they have to do to hopefully ensure this never happens again and return it to us. So I’m stealthily blogging at work. I know that makes me a bad employee but I had to steal a moment just to say hi to you all. I didn’t want you to worry that I had finally eaten myself into some kind of chocolate coma or something!

Weigh To Go! Part 15

noreply@blogger.com (Lynne) — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 06:27:00 +0000

December 2005 Starting Weight: 178.9 Last Month’s Weigh-In: 134.4 Yesterday’s Weigh-In: 132.2 Yay! Boy it feels good to post a lost again. 2.2 pounds, I'll take that! And it's a good 2.2 pounds if you know what I mean. There have been times where the numbers didn't really change but I'm struggling to pull on my jeans and I know that I've probably gained weight and lost muscle. Well it's nice that right now I'm sitting opposite of that. My clothes are finally starting to fit right again and I'm feeling just really good about my body. It's so nice to have the little happy moments like this!